Deep Breath...

For anyone who's read my last few entries, you know things have been not-so-cheery. In my posting absence, and aside from my holiday indulgences, I have been working on knocking down those walls I have so painfully been dealing with my entire life.

As I sit down to write this post, I envision running...Ironman...Hobbits/Orcs...and how I would relate my self imposed goals for 2009 to those subjects. I thought first about running and how the goals I have set will be like going for a long run...sometimes I'll feel good, then not so good (maybe sad, maybe hurt) and then most likely good again. Then I thought about Ironman and how it calls for you to dig deeper and deeper each time you dare step up to the challenge. But what really kept coming to mind were Hobbits and Orcs...I feel much like a Hobbit (less the hairiness...although, if I stop waxing...ok, TMI) battling the evil Orcs (which would be my demons). Frodo had many battles to fight and often felt scared and weak, but he always found the courage to go on and keep to his promise. And he always had help. He always had people or creatures to help him find his way. I am fortunate to have many helpers, I just need to reach out to them and that for me has always been difficult. Anyhow, I have made my references and now I will get to what I really want to say.

I am beginning to stand up to myself for myself. I have dared myself to look deep inside by putting pen to paper and acknowledging the demons and arming myself with weapons to combat these saboteurs. This is the year I take the steps I have needed to take for years...always having turned away out of fear and using excuses like "I can handle it" and "I know better"...and even though, yes, I can handle it and I do know better...I never did. I didn't handle things and I was too stubborn to admit when I needed help.

A lot of things have happened over the last few weeks - I lost a teammate. I almost lost love. I realized how much I have been holding myself back from living...really living and being happy. I've had my head in the sand...something (when I was younger) I vowed I would never do.

It ends here.

I am putting this out there for you...for me. So that I may hold myself accountable. So that I shift course and make positive changes. So that I do not continue down the same paths. There have been times in my life that I have been able to deviate from the negative and I can remember those, even if only vaguely, and I remember how good I felt. How proud of myself I was for taking the leap. Now, I have to dig deep again...find that strength to take control of my life.

Deep breath...