Thursday, July 30, 2009

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

what do they see that I do not?

A dear friend and I were talking today about life and in particular, about the difficult week I've had (for reasons I will not elaborate on here). Much of what was discussed was normal conversation about life, love, challenges, decisions, etc. But she said something to me that resonated loudly. She said, "you will always be your toughest critic, but sometimes you have to stop and see what the rest of us see."

The more I think about it, the more it brings a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat. Because I wish I could see what she was referring to with that statement. I feel almost like a fraud, I mean come on! I "know" who I really am, right? And if I "know" who I am, then what they must see must be fake, right? It can't possibly be real...because if they saw the real me they would see all the vulnerability, the insecurity and the fright locked inside, right?

Or am I choosing to look only through my coal-colored glasses?

Maybe I'm not seeing the real me? Perhaps I am cheating myself out of the joy of being me? What am I missing out on?

Can I allow myself to take another long look in that mirror? Take a chance that I might actually like what I see past the fleeting youthful exterior?

Mirror, mirror...



Fight - the temptation to succumb
Empower - yourself to face your fears
Admit - that you are fearful
Restore - your confidence that you can overcome

Three times this week the word "fear" has been used in conversation regarding me. Hi, my name is Michelle and I am a fearful person.

What is "fear" to me?
Fear is controlling.
Fear is a demon.

What am I "fearful" of?
Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of disappointing.
Fear of being lonely.
Fear of discovering I'm no different than everyone else.
Fear of discovering I'm different than everyone else.

I have been fighting fear my entire life and only now am I beginning to empower myself against the demons which have controlled me for so long. I can now admit that it has had a power over me unlike anything else in my life. I am trying very hard to restore my confidence in my being.

In a discussion earlier this week, I admitted that for several years (and even still, sometimes) I had a terrible fear of the water. I never learned to swim well growing up and so, as an adult, I was fearful of the water, especially open water. I would get to the race and walk off to the side and become sick with fear. I would cry. But every time I made myself get into the water. Then, through the tears and the fear, I would swim until I once again touched shore.

Though I have always battled fear...I have many times faced it head on. I've just never been able to give myself credit for those times I've been able to go toe-to-toe with it.

Is this something new to me? No, not really. But the way in which I am now looking at it is, in fact, very new.

I am facing fear. now. alone.

True, I have a tremendous network of support in my family and friends, but they cannot walk the long self-torturous path for me...I must walk it alone.

Perhaps if I begin to look at "fear" as a "fight" to "empower" myself; to "admit" I am afraid yet seek out ways to "restore" my confidence, I will begin to win over this crippling demon.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Passion and Belief...

What is your passion?

Are you following your passion?

How far do you want to follow it?

As a hobby? A profession?

How far are you willing to go?

How far are you willing to fall for it?

Do you believe enough in yourself to do what it takes?