Oh, the places you will go...

I believe that's something from a Dr. Seuss book. But that's how I feel. I'm going places. Where? Somewhere. Here and there and everywhere. Somewhere and no where. Up there, down there, this way and that way.

Over there and over here. The road less traveled, the road paved. No road. Familiar road.

Does it matter? Not really.

Why?

Because all that matters is that I believe, in my heart, that I am on the right path for me. I may be by myself, but I'll never be alone.

Let's go...

Not Seeing the Forest for the Trees...

or something like that.

Old sayings don't stick around without reason.

Not seeing the forest for the trees - I realized very recently the magnitude of its meaning. Lately I have been so focused on a few troubled trees that I wasn't seeing the beautiful, healthy and nourishing forest around me.

Usually, when I find myself in troubled times, I retreat...withdraw from the world and dare to take on my problems single-handedly. A testament to my obscene level of stubbornness. This time, I decided to try something different. Trust. Trust that if I let my friends in to what I was feeling, that they would not betray that trust. Trust in my faith that He would help me find my way to a better place. Trust that my family would be my pillar of strength.

I was surprised by what I found.

What I found was a forest of trust and friendship. I discovered that when I surround myself with wonderful people, I do not lack for love, friendship, care or compassion. I found more than several listening ears, shoulders to lean on and smiles to comfort me. Concern and support came flowing out of the woodwork from people I barely know. I received phone calls, texts, emails all just to check up on me. I am not a very religious person and many times I question faith, spirituality, etc. But this time...this time I asked for a little help and in turn I received what I needed to lift me out of my funk.

Letting myself open up and receive my gifts - friendship, love and support - was a step I have not, until now, been able to make. So, even though I felt like I was struggling and lost; what I found was strength, friendship and confidence.

A friend recently sent me a note stating something her grandmother told her about life: Keep many friends, all kinds of friends; because you never know when you'll need them or when they'll need you.

I will most definitely hold on to that one. I am truly blessed with a forest full of goodness!

Dizzy yet??? I am!!

After the ride is over...senses are regained, emotions return to steady state and the head stops spinning. You look back...smile...and think, "yeah, I made it".

It'll come soon...

A Brand New Day...

Tomorrow will be a brand new day...yes, I realize today was a brand new day, as was the day before and the day before that, etc. But tomorrow is the first day I'm not going to be sad, I'm not going to mope around and I'm not going to keep from doing things I love to do because of what may or may not happen or because of who I might encounter along the way.

Why?

Because something better will always come along. My life will be better for it. I should be excited, actually. My future is waiting for me and it's time for me to get moving.

That's what I'm going to do now. I'm going to get moving. There comes a time when you have to realize that sometimes close to being happy just isn't good enough. Never give up on what you deserve and right now, I deserve to be happy!

As a good friend told me tonight...if it's right, it'll be easy. I have to remember that things always work out they way they should, maybe not the way you think they should or hope they will; but I'll be better and happier for it!

Ah, life!

Letting Go, Reaching Out and Moving On...

Today wraps up a long week. You know the kind...you can't imagine that you'll make it through Monday, much less to or through the weekend. And when you look back at that week, you can't believe it was only one week. The kind of week where you feel like you can't breathe, your swirling uncontrollably in a dark abyss and it seems impossible to sort out what you are feeling because you can't determine it's source; and every outlet you usually turn to when things are falling apart seems to also be in disarray.

First up for me, is accepting that it is time to let go. Acknowledge it for what it was - both the good and the bad of it. Easier said than done. It becomes even more difficult when I am letting go of something that was so close to being "just right".

Next up is reaching out. So many times I wall up and close down to the rest of the world when struggling through the difficult times. This time, I'm changing my strategy and leaning on my friends, hoping that my trust in them will pull me through. An added benefit - learning to trust again. Something I need to learn and will serve me well in the future.

The next step is moving on. By far the hardest for me to digest, especially when things around me are moving at their own paces. That lack of control drives me nuts!! I have to realize that I can only move at a pace that I can maintain (I'm trying to refrain from racing/training analogies, but that's almost an impossibility). It entails taking that leap of faith into a vast unknown. Some people are fortunate enough to thrive on the unknown, I am terrified. Perhaps if I were only considering leaps of faith in one area of my life I might find it exciting, but when every facet of my life is requiring a change, well...it scares the crap out of me. I know from past experiences that we always move on...change happens whether we initiate it or not and we learn, grow and find happiness in those changes.

Sometimes you end up on an entirely different path than you ever imagined and sometimes you come full circle back to where you started, but in a different way. And you will never know until you take those steps to let go, reach out and move on.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

what do they see that I do not?

A dear friend and I were talking today about life and in particular, about the difficult week I've had (for reasons I will not elaborate on here). Much of what was discussed was normal conversation about life, love, challenges, decisions, etc. But she said something to me that resonated loudly. She said, "you will always be your toughest critic, but sometimes you have to stop and see what the rest of us see."

The more I think about it, the more it brings a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat. Because I wish I could see what she was referring to with that statement. I feel almost like a fraud, I mean come on! I "know" who I really am, right? And if I "know" who I am, then what they must see must be fake, right? It can't possibly be real...because if they saw the real me they would see all the vulnerability, the insecurity and the fright locked inside, right?

Or am I choosing to look only through my coal-colored glasses?

Maybe I'm not seeing the real me? Perhaps I am cheating myself out of the joy of being me? What am I missing out on?

Can I allow myself to take another long look in that mirror? Take a chance that I might actually like what I see past the fleeting youthful exterior?

Mirror, mirror...

FEAR...

F.E.A.R.

Fight - the temptation to succumb
Empower - yourself to face your fears
Admit - that you are fearful
Restore - your confidence that you can overcome

Three times this week the word "fear" has been used in conversation regarding me. Hi, my name is Michelle and I am a fearful person.

What is "fear" to me?
Fear is controlling.
Fear is a demon.

What am I "fearful" of?
Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of disappointing.
Fear of being lonely.
Fear of discovering I'm no different than everyone else.
Fear of discovering I'm different than everyone else.

I have been fighting fear my entire life and only now am I beginning to empower myself against the demons which have controlled me for so long. I can now admit that it has had a power over me unlike anything else in my life. I am trying very hard to restore my confidence in my being.

In a discussion earlier this week, I admitted that for several years (and even still, sometimes) I had a terrible fear of the water. I never learned to swim well growing up and so, as an adult, I was fearful of the water, especially open water. I would get to the race and walk off to the side and become sick with fear. I would cry. But every time I made myself get into the water. Then, through the tears and the fear, I would swim until I once again touched shore.

Though I have always battled fear...I have many times faced it head on. I've just never been able to give myself credit for those times I've been able to go toe-to-toe with it.

Is this something new to me? No, not really. But the way in which I am now looking at it is, in fact, very new.

I am facing fear. now. alone.

True, I have a tremendous network of support in my family and friends, but they cannot walk the long self-torturous path for me...I must walk it alone.

Perhaps if I begin to look at "fear" as a "fight" to "empower" myself; to "admit" I am afraid yet seek out ways to "restore" my confidence, I will begin to win over this crippling demon.