Monday, December 8, 2008

Life Unfolded...

Sometimes you run yourself into a brick wall...fall down...rub your head and say, "what the hell?" And not as in "what the hell just happened" but more like "what the hell was I doing running full speed toward this wall and not doing anything to stop?"

So last week I hit the wall. I stumbled. And now I'm trying to figure out how to NOT run toward the wall again.

I started by looking back. A long way back. And it seems that I've been running into walls for a long time. Not exactly the kind of "hard-headed" that's looked at as favorable. It's more like the kind that keeps you from dealing with the demons that are lurking around your noggin'...the kind that keeps you in denial. But this time I inadvertently hurt someone else in the process...I did let someone down and have been doing it longer than I realized.

I came to this discovery of running into walls when I decided that I needed to do some cleansing and purging. I needed to feel like I was making progress at something. So I started cleaning out boxes. I will be moving soon and figured this would be very therapeutic as well as productive.

I got a little more than I bargained for!

My project uncovered several old journals dating back a good fifteen years. WOW! I couldn't help but to pause and read a few entries. A few turned into several, which turned into many and in the process brought a lot of those old demons out into the open. There they were, blocking my road to happiness and success - forming a gauntlet leading right to those walls I have forever been running into. I have never been able to push past them...much like my Ironman races, I try and I plan and I work real hard, but when push comes to shove - I fail.

The power of positive thinking has not exactly found its way into my life. Maybe I'm just such a late-bloomer that I just haven't gotten there yet. "Late-bloomer", that's a nice way of saying, "I just have never quite gotten my shit together". Anyhow, it can be true...I've never done anything early except get married...and we all know how well that turned out.

Is this too much rambling information?? Perhaps. But why should I hide behind it any longer. I screw up. I make mistakes. I battle self-doubt, need for acceptance by peers and family, fear of disappointing and rejection, painful feet from walking on egg shells and fears of success as failure is, unfortunately, far more familiar. I have hidden behind these things my whole life, letting them always get the best of me while trying so hard to put a happy and well-groomed face forward.

Am I unfolding my life in public to the possibility of judgment and criticism? Yes, I am.Why? Why now? Because I have to believe that I am not the only one who struggles with these or similar demons and I can't keep them looming overhead any longer. They must be banished. I have to free myself from my past.


p.s. I did clean out a bunch of crap and do feel a little better already...


erichollins said...

You aren't alone in your feelings. That I can assure you.

Ali said...

I think walls are just a part of life. They fall down and you build them back up again... We all have them, some the same, some different from one another. Basically, we are all the same brick layers at the end of the day.

etg said...

Can we just say that all of us should probably live our lives with a sledge hammer in hand to tear down those walls? Ali said it, we all have them... But your writing about them is an inspiration to the rest of us to stop hiding behind ours and to get to work at chipping them away. Worst thing that can happen - they can fall. It might be messy, it might hurt, but we can't see what's on the other side if we don't. Thanks for your post (and your courage)!