Friday, April 18, 2008

Fear and Self-Doubt

Living inside my head has been very weird this week. It's as if I wasn't even me. Does that make sense?

What I mean is, I have been a lunatic and my head has been in a fog since coming back from Arizona. While I was overwhelmed with excitement and awe watching Ironman Arizona on Sunday, the effect it had on me was not what I expected. I haven't even been able to blog!! In all seriousness, what happened was an increased level of anxiety, self-doubt and fear. I haven't been able to go to sleep, stay asleep or focus. I couldn't even focus on talking with my girlfriends the other night...it was so bizarre.

Why?

Not sure. What I can figure is that I so desperately want to meet my goals, and because I didn't have the outcome I hoped for last year, I am fearful of repeating that. I sit and think about times, splits, what-ifs, etc. to the point where I make myself crazy! This is ridiculous!!! I CONTROL ME!!

What I do know:
I am far more prepared at this time than I was before my race last year. I am swimming so much faster than ever before (still not breaking any speed records!), riding stronger and longer and running injury-free. I talked with my closest friends and coaches this week about what I'm feeling and they've all been very understanding and supportive...even though they think I'm kind of silly for it (they're right).

Ironman is a mental challenge as well as a physical challenge. Those challenges occur not only on race day, but in the days, weeks and months preceding the event. This is where I have to learn to put in all into perspective, trust my coaches and my training and keep my head in the game. This is where I concentrate on doing the best I can, the most I can and taking what the day gives me and make the best of it.

If you hear me talking to myself it's just going to be me talking some sense into my head...I am strong. I am steady. I am healthy. I am an Ironman. I will do this.

I will do this.

I will do this.

2 comments:

katy d said...

Michelle,

It will be different this year. Your body and mind are different this year. You are doing everything you need to do to be ready for your day. I have heard this many times in the past couple of weeks "All you can control out there is your attitude". It is so true! So, believing in yourself is what can control and you train like a "beast" so you've got it there. Thinking of peace for you! Thanks for being in Arizona. It was awesome to have so much support out there.
Take care,

katy

Tri to Be Funny said...

Yes girlfriend...you WILL do this! As Katy said, you are a different person this year. Realize what an amazingly talented person you are! Thanks for being in AZ...I can't tell you how much the support and cheers helped all of us~ this is YOUR year!!!

Glass of vino on me when you return from Boston! Shawn and I watched the webcast this morning...so exciting and inspiring.