Living inside my head has been very weird this week. It's as if I wasn't even me. Does that make sense?
What I mean is, I have been a lunatic and my head has been in a fog since coming back from Arizona. While I was overwhelmed with excitement and awe watching Ironman Arizona on Sunday, the effect it had on me was not what I expected. I haven't even been able to blog!! In all seriousness, what happened was an increased level of anxiety, self-doubt and fear. I haven't been able to go to sleep, stay asleep or focus. I couldn't even focus on talking with my girlfriends the other night...it was so bizarre.
Not sure. What I can figure is that I so desperately want to meet my goals, and because I didn't have the outcome I hoped for last year, I am fearful of repeating that. I sit and think about times, splits, what-ifs, etc. to the point where I make myself crazy! This is ridiculous!!! I CONTROL ME!!
What I do know:
I am far more prepared at this time than I was before my race last year. I am swimming so much faster than ever before (still not breaking any speed records!), riding stronger and longer and running injury-free. I talked with my closest friends and coaches this week about what I'm feeling and they've all been very understanding and supportive...even though they think I'm kind of silly for it (they're right).
Ironman is a mental challenge as well as a physical challenge. Those challenges occur not only on race day, but in the days, weeks and months preceding the event. This is where I have to learn to put in all into perspective, trust my coaches and my training and keep my head in the game. This is where I concentrate on doing the best I can, the most I can and taking what the day gives me and make the best of it.
If you hear me talking to myself it's just going to be me talking some sense into my head...I am strong. I am steady. I am healthy. I am an Ironman. I will do this.
I will do this.
I will do this.