Restarting is even harder

 I've been staring at this blank page for days...weeks.  I've wanted to restart but have struggled with how.  And it's not just this blog I'm struggling to restart.  I have been feeling stuck lately.  So I've been reaching to find a way to light that flame again. 

Bare with me - this is going to be a rambler of a post!

I listened to an audio book recently that really hit home.  Not only that, but it tied my past to my present, and offered me a way to tie together these empty buckets I've been wanting to fill.  The book?  Yes, it is "You are An Ironman" by Jaques Steinberg.  While it may be "just another Ironman book" to most of you, it captures everyday athletes training for Ironman Arizona 2009, which is an event I've completed.  All that gets even better by the mention of other events I was actually participating in at the time.  CapTex Tri, Austin Tri, Vineman 70.3, Ironman Coeur d'Alene - it was like walking back in time.  It was reliving a very special time in my life.  I've listened to it more than I care to admit. 

So here I am, staring at blank pages, stuck.  It's not that things are going badly - I mean, for it being 2020 I really don't have anything to complain about (i.e. job, health, family, friends, etc.).  But the pandemic has really heightened my emptiness.  Times like these are good for exposing the good and the not-so-good.  Very much a period of reflection and evaluation.  And I'm coming up short. 

Back to the book - it was right in front of my face!  Three of the areas I've been struggling with were bundled up right there on the pages being read into my ear.  Aside from the annoying way the narrator pronounces "tri-a-tha-lon" I couldn't help but listen because the characters in the book were giving me the recipe I needed. 

1. Triathlon - I want to get out of retirement and back to it but I've had a hard time with motivation and (again) restarting.  Here they were preparing for their first Ironman events - got my juices flowing. 

2. Giving Back - I'm in an area with many, many opportunities to give back, but again I've struggled to find what grabs me.  Several of the individuals in the book were tying in their events with fundraising efforts.  I can do that!

3. Writing - My witty little LinkedIn posts have garnered positive feedback and really has been the impetus for me wanting to write again.  And as you've figured, the characters in the book were also journaling/blogging.  This is it!

So here I am, staring at a less blank page than I was when I started.  And now I have a plan - tie my return to training to a fundraising effort and use my LinkedIn and other social media networks to deliver my story and hopefully raise funds to support a cause.  

I don't have details...and I don't need them today.  All I need to do today is start, and that's what I have done.  I hope you'll follow me on my journey.  Or don't...but I'm going anyway! 

Out of Darkness comes Light

Who the hell was the idiot who said "Out of Darkness comes Light"???  I'd like to shake their hand and give them a hug.

According to wiki.answers, it was the Mayans (who, hopefully weren't right about everything) who came up with this notion as a way of depicting the life cycle.  It has since become a phrase of encouragement.  A phrase to remind us all that the dark, scary, trying, and heartbreaking moments are a requirement to finding light, joy, excitement, passion, and love.

Recent times for me have been filled with a lot of unknowns - where would I work?  would I be able to support myself again (yes, I know...but sometimes your mind goes there)?  would I find what I came here looking for?

I've only been here five months but I feel as though I've already been through so much.  With the help of friends and family, things have been happening for the good.  Through friends I now have a job that I'm enjoying - it offers the things I was looking for in a job.  Challenging? Check. Autonomous? Check. Nice people? Check.  Casual culture? Check (I wear flip flops to work).  Through friends I will have a great apartment to live in with a yard for my girls and cool landlords and right on the road to almost every awesome bike route out of Boulder.  Every day I drive to work with a picturesque view of the mountains and even on a rainy day, they're still beautiful.  I've had the grace of friends who've put up with me and my girls all this time without so much as batting an eyelash.  I have had the tremendous support of family and friends back home who've come to my rescue time and time again...even when they didn't know it.  There have been a couple of tough days when I thought I just couldn't do it anymore that I received several calls/texts that absolutely made all the difference.

This experience has definitely made me more aware and more grateful for the people in my life.

It has also shed light on the dark...and the dark has let to light.  But that is for another post.

"Oh, the Places You'll Go!" - Dr. Seuss

 

This book was a gift to me some years ago 

by a sister who had a sense

I didn't know then what I now know...

or did I?

I knew that there were places to go, 

places to see and somewhere along the way

find out who was me.

I didn't have direction just a few clues,

a sense of being and a desire to choose.

 But all too often was trampled by fear

don't venture too far, be sure to stay near.

Don't give up easily, but don't try too hard

stay in the zone, don't gamble your card. 

Dr. Seuss I am not, 

just finding my spot...

in a place that is more than I ever expected, 

that has shown me to open and let life happen.

For the first time ever, in all of my life,

I know not what might come next 

but am willing to let go and trust that the best...

is truly yet to come.

It's one thing to pack everything you own and relocate without answers...

it's very much another to let your mind and heart go and accept the unknown.

The answers, they come in ways you don't often expect.

Sometimes they are hidden within your soul and other times shine from a mountain top.

It is not until you resign yourself to accept what may be, despite what you may want

that you find what you knew all along.

The answers, you see, lie within...they don't come with geography, or a map, or a 

change in scenery.

 They are with you...within you...in your heart...always.

When you allow yourself to open up from within, then...then you have no choice

but to acknowledge what you most likely knew all along.

Your heart may ache, it may beat wildly, but if you listen...really listen

it will beat the truth.

 

 

New Life - Day 2

Woke periodically throughout the night hoping that the next leg of our drive would be safe and also uneventful, hoping that I was doing the right thing, hoping the girls would travel well a second day, hoping that I will soon find a job, hoping I had prepared well enough financially to see me through to the next phase, hoping that this damn crossword puzzle will put me back to sleep because I'm exhausted!!

After we said our good-byes and got back in the car - coffee in hand - we were on our way.  My recollection of the drive is dream-like in that it seemed so surreal that this is actually happening.  Another beautiful and clear day and the girls did very well - only a couple moments of whining but that was it.  I was so thankful to have Sandra in the car with me as it did take some of the pressures of traveling away and helped me keep my mind off of all the stresses that were piling up in my head.  I could feel the stress mounting and sometimes I just wanted to explode, but the conversation kept me from breaking down. 

Have you ever driven 946 miles without music?  We did.  Not intentionally, it just happened. 

Something Sandra asked me really made me think for a moment...and I'm sure it's a question I'll ask myself on more than one occasion - "what do you hope to get out of this move?"  In part, I'd like to rebuild what I had at home - a strong network of friends, explore my community and become involved in the social scenes I enjoyed at home and maybe even try some new ones.  As I thought about my answers later, I wondered why...why start over looking for what you already have?  True, I was feeling stale and stagnate at home, tired of being the constant, longing to try something new; but I was leaving the very things I wanted.  Did I really need to move to another state to find the courage to do what I really wanted to do at home?  Perhaps. 

As excited as I was to arrive at our destination, I was more excited to simply be out of the car.  I was thrilled to have dinner and wine waiting our arrival and enjoyed every morsel and every drop.  Settling into bed that night, with my girls by my side, I fell asleep with a million questions and concerns floating around in my head hoping to make something out of nothing. 

Tomorrow is a clean slate...

New Life - Day 1

The actual, physical Day 1 has been brought around by a culmination of days all leading to this one very defining day.  It is the day I drive away from everything I know and everything and everyone I love to try something new.  Day 1 of not talking about making changes in my life and wanting to do something different, but making it happen.

Day 1 has been made a little less scary by those who've shared their stories of change and risk, chance and hope, faith and adventure.  They give comfort to those like me who have taken great measure to avoid such things in life for the sake of safety and security.  One realization from their experiences is that there is no failure in this opportunity - the only failure is in not trying at all.  The failure would be to never let myself take the chance and then always wonder "what if?"  I began to feel that "what if?" would become my scarlet letter and to end this life with that in my heart would be too much to bear.

So here I am - Day 1. 

The "good-byes" are always the hardest, especially when you're not experienced at them.  As expected, there were an ample amount of tears and hugs, each of which I will remember always.  I know I'm not moving to another planet, nor am I moving across the globe but things happen in life, unexpected things, and sometimes you don't get another chance.  How's that for morbidity?  Let me turn it to a lighter side and say that there were also many "see you later"s as well...one of the luxuries of moving to a city that doesn't suck is that people actually look forward to visiting.

We couldn't have asked for better driving weather - clear, sunny skies and spring-like temperatures.  My girls were calmly sitting in their travel crate, completely unaware of how long they were about to be trapped in there.  My bff, Sandra, seated next to me as my trusty navigator and instigator of this move.  Let me be fair to say that she is not the "cause" of this move, but has kindly left the door open for the past 15 years or so for me to make this happen on my own time. 

Our first day would take us to Lubbock where we would spend the night in good company with my friend, Amy.  The day went on pleasantly uneventful and the only two complaints would be the ever-gusty west Texas wind and some unpleasant odors along some of the farming and oil sections.

We made it to our destination and after some delicious vino, good conversation, and dinner we settled in for the night.  I slept well for a while, then woke from there my mind kept spinning and spinning with anxiety and anticipation.

The reality of the event has yet to sink in at this point.

Well, dammit...

I'm behind on my blogging - AGAIN! I had really hoped to be better about it this year.

This year has gotten off to a quick start. It reminds me of something my parents (and probably yours, too) used to say to me when I was young, "Just wait until you get older; time will start to fly by". Well, they weren't kidding and now I understand exactly what they mean.

I've had some significant life experiences so far, one being part of friends' 100 mile journey - something I've been wanting to write about and will, just not tonight. Way to go Vegas and Jerry.

Another being the loss of a friend - someone who, at 38, had so much to live for yet had it all taken from her by cancer. Her husband, young son and family have been left behind to learn to live without her physical presence. I remember a couple of things she said, 1. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of leaving." and "don't waste my cancer". Michelle put up a good fight against cancer, but eventually was unable to continue and had the opportunity to be with family until the end of her time here. I still think of her often and vow to never let her leave my heart.

I've also started my fifth season with High Five Events as the Volunteer Coordinator. This year will prove to be even more challenging than past seasons as we've added three events - one being a triathlon festival in Kerrville. If I live through the three events in April, then I think I'll be ok the rest of the season.

Three in one month may be the end of me :)

You may be wondering why the summary of Q'1, it feels almost like I'm writing one of those "what did you do this summer" essays from way back in elementary school. Well, I do have a reason and that is because I really want to expand on a couple of the topics mentioned and if I at least start here, I will be more apt to come back and expand.

There are a lot of things going on this year and I want to make this last year as a 30-something count!

Speaking of 30-something - did any of you ever watch that show back in the day? I remember my mom watching it and I thought they were all so much older...guess the jokes on me!

Stand by...the best is yet to come.

Birthdays and Social Media

One thing that has changed in recent years is, of course, social media. Because of sites like Facebook, over 500 hundred people I am connected to in some way are reminded of my special day. I almost feel a little selfish because in a way it seems like I'm screaming, "Hey everybody, look at me...it's my birthday!!" But on the other hand, I really like being reminded of other people's special days so I guess I should just enjoy and get over it. I suppose that's part of why we're all on those sites to begin with, right? To share pieces of our lives with others?

Aside from feeling a little awkward about the whole thing, it also makes me blush and feel humbled to have such a great network of friends and acquaintances who took a moment of their time to send a birthday greeting. It's like someone unleashed a flurry of warm fuzzies in my heart.