Oh, how I tri!

New Life - Day 2

2012-01-05T23:23:00.000-06:00

Woke periodically throughout the night hoping that the next leg of our drive would be safe and also uneventful, hoping that I was doing the right thing, hoping the girls would travel well a second day, hoping that I will soon find a job, hoping I had prepared well enough financially to see me through to the next phase, hoping that this damn crossword puzzle will put me back to sleep because I'm exhausted!!

After we said our good-byes and got back in the car - coffee in hand - we were on our way. My recollection of the drive is dream-like in that it seemed so surreal that this is actually happening. Another beautiful and clear day and the girls did very well - only a couple moments of whining but that was it. I was so thankful to have Sandra in the car with me as it did take some of the pressures of traveling away and helped me keep my mind off of all the stresses that were piling up in my head. I could feel the stress mounting and sometimes I just wanted to explode, but the conversation kept me from breaking down.

Have you ever driven 946 miles without music? We did. Not intentionally, it just happened.

Something Sandra asked me really made me think for a moment...and I'm sure it's a question I'll ask myself on more than one occasion - "what do you hope to get out of this move?" In part, I'd like to rebuild what I had at home - a strong network of friends, explore my community and become involved in the social scenes I enjoyed at home and maybe even try some new ones. As I thought about my answers later, I wondered why...why start over looking for what you already have? True, I was feeling stale and stagnate at home, tired of being the constant, longing to try something new; but I was leaving the very things I wanted. Did I really need to move to another state to find the courage to do what I really wanted to do at home? Perhaps.

As excited as I was to arrive at our destination, I was more excited to simply be out of the car. I was thrilled to have dinner and wine waiting our arrival and enjoyed every morsel and every drop. Settling into bed that night, with my girls by my side, I fell asleep with a million questions and concerns floating around in my head hoping to make something out of nothing.

Tomorrow is a clean slate...

New Life - Day 1

2012-01-04T23:00:00.000-06:00

The actual, physical Day 1 has been brought around by a culmination of days all leading to this one very defining day. It is the day I drive away from everything I know and everything and everyone I love to try something new. Day 1 of not talking about making changes in my life and wanting to do something different, but making it happen.

Day 1 has been made a little less scary by those who've shared their stories of change and risk, chance and hope, faith and adventure. They give comfort to those like me who have taken great measure to avoid such things in life for the sake of safety and security. One realization from their experiences is that there is no failure in this opportunity - the only failure is in not trying at all. The failure would be to never let myself take the chance and then always wonder "what if?" I began to feel that "what if?" would become my scarlet letter and to end this life with that in my heart would be too much to bear.

So here I am - Day 1.

The "good-byes" are always the hardest, especially when you're not experienced at them. As expected, there were an ample amount of tears and hugs, each of which I will remember always. I know I'm not moving to another planet, nor am I moving across the globe but things happen in life, unexpected things, and sometimes you don't get another chance. How's that for morbidity? Let me turn it to a lighter side and say that there were also many "see you later"s as well...one of the luxuries of moving to a city that doesn't suck is that people actually look forward to visiting.

We couldn't have asked for better driving weather - clear, sunny skies and spring-like temperatures. My girls were calmly sitting in their travel crate, completely unaware of how long they were about to be trapped in there. My bff, Sandra, seated next to me as my trusty navigator and instigator of this move. Let me be fair to say that she is not the "cause" of this move, but has kindly left the door open for the past 15 years or so for me to make this happen on my own time.

Our first day would take us to Lubbock where we would spend the night in good company with my friend, Amy. The day went on pleasantly uneventful and the only two complaints would be the ever-gusty west Texas wind and some unpleasant odors along some of the farming and oil sections.

We made it to our destination and after some delicious vino, good conversation, and dinner we settled in for the night. I slept well for a while, then woke from there my mind kept spinning and spinning with anxiety and anticipation.

The reality of the event has yet to sink in at this point.

Well, dammit...

2011-03-24T22:05:00.002-05:00

I'm behind on my blogging - AGAIN! I had really hoped to be better about it this year.

This year has gotten off to a quick start. It reminds me of something my parents (and probably yours, too) used to say to me when I was young, "Just wait until you get older; time will start to fly by". Well, they weren't kidding and now I understand exactly what they mean.

I've had some significant life experiences so far, one being part of friends' 100 mile journey - something I've been wanting to write about and will, just not tonight. Way to go Vegas and Jerry.

Another being the loss of a friend - someone who, at 38, had so much to live for yet had it all taken from her by cancer. Her husband, young son and family have been left behind to learn to live without her physical presence. I remember a couple of things she said, 1. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of leaving." and "don't waste my cancer". Michelle put up a good fight against cancer, but eventually was unable to continue and had the opportunity to be with family until the end of her time here. I still think of her often and vow to never let her leave my heart.

I've also started my fifth season with High Five Events as the Volunteer Coordinator. This year will prove to be even more challenging than past seasons as we've added three events - one being a triathlon festival in Kerrville. If I live through the three events in April, then I think I'll be ok the rest of the season.

Three in one month may be the end of me :)

You may be wondering why the summary of Q'1, it feels almost like I'm writing one of those "what did you do this summer" essays from way back in elementary school. Well, I do have a reason and that is because I really want to expand on a couple of the topics mentioned and if I at least start here, I will be more apt to come back and expand.

There are a lot of things going on this year and I want to make this last year as a 30-something count!

Speaking of 30-something - did any of you ever watch that show back in the day? I remember my mom watching it and I thought they were all so much older...guess the jokes on me!

Stand by...the best is yet to come.

Birthdays and Social Media

2011-01-27T22:38:00.005-06:00

One thing that has changed in recent years is, of course, social media. Because of sites like Facebook, over 500 hundred people I am connected to in some way are reminded of my special day. I almost feel a little selfish because in a way it seems like I'm screaming, "Hey everybody, look at me...it's my birthday!!" But on the other hand, I really like being reminded of other people's special days so I guess I should just enjoy and get over it. I suppose that's part of why we're all on those sites to begin with, right? To share pieces of our lives with others?

Aside from feeling a little awkward about the whole thing, it also makes me blush and feel humbled to have such a great network of friends and acquaintances who took a moment of their time to send a birthday greeting. It's like someone unleashed a flurry of warm fuzzies in my heart.

Dreaming a Reality?

2011-01-20T07:33:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been awakened by an epiphany? I think I might have had one last night. Seriously. I'm not sure about the specifics but it was poignant, so much so that I immediately wrote down the few details I had and hope to look into what this means and how I can make it happen.

I can't honestly recall the last time I had an epiphany but I am fairly certain that's what happened last night.

Feeling Good About Feeling Good...

2011-01-12T19:19:00.002-06:00

Today was a good day. Today I have felt something I've not felt in quite a while, at least not with this much umph. I'm not sure how to describe it other than to say that I felt like my old self...the good old self. Not the young, naive self...not the married self...not the divorced self...not the post-divorce self...not the "I'm almost 40 and what am I doing with my life" self, but the self that has been hiding...the happy, confident and vibrant self. The feeling hasn't lasted terribly long, but long enough to reassure my current self that "I still got it!"

I must recall how I managed to do this because I need to rewind and repeat! Could it be that I conjured her up? I think maybe so...I conjured up my old self and didn't realize I was doing it. As I sit here, fingers on the keys, it hits me. I took control of my day. Seriously, is this all it really takes? How the hell did I forget how to do this? Why have I let her go so long?

She was summoned by my controlling my life today.

Repeat tomorrow.

New Year and already behind!

2011-01-12T07:29:00.002-06:00

Damn it. While I was hoping to get a jump on the new year, the cosmos had another thing in store for me - sinus/ear infections.

Well, I suppose I won't let it dissuade me from my objectives of having a stellar year. Now that am back among the humans again, I am working to get caught up on my January goals. One of which is to get this blog back on track.

I hope that by my sharing, it will also keep me accountable. I have some things I'd like to work on this year and if I share those with you, then I am more likely to follow through...isn't that how many of us work anyway?

I am optimistic about the coming months and hope to ride the lows quickly and float through the highs.

Perspective Shifts and Epiphanies?

2010-12-06T19:36:00.003-06:00

Epiphany - noun. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Since I seem to be lacking epiphanies, I wonder if shifting my perspective on things can cause an epiphany? You know, give my perspective a kick-start in some way.

Someone please kick my perception into gear!! I need an epiphany!!

What am I missing?

2010-12-01T21:31:00.002-06:00

Wallet? Check.
Phone? Check.
Shoes? Check.
Hat? Check.
Keys? Check.

Family? Check.
Health? Check.
Friends? Check.
Education? Check.
Job? Check.
Home? Check.
Hobby? Check.

Ever just feel like something's missing from your life? Something meaningful, fulfilling...but you just can't quite put your finger on it? Has there ever been something pulling you from the inside, pulling you in so many directions but none of which you can pin down? Too many choices. Too many options. What is the paralyzing factor? Is it fear or simply not knowing? What do you do when you're ready to take a plunge but don't know which direction to plunge?

It's time...

2010-11-25T07:50:00.000-06:00

It's time again to take a step back and reflect on all the things I have to be thankful for:

healthy family and self
more friends than I can count and some I can count on day/night
my babies and their health
the freedom to run whenever I want
never having to go hungry
never having to go without wine
a roof over my head that makes me happy
opportunities to share my passion with others
and the opportunities to learn from others
living in a country that allows me liberties others only dream of (if that)
Folgers holiday commercials
employment that allows me to do the things I enjoy

There are so many other big and small things to be thankful for that I would be here all day writing, however, there's a Trot to run and turkey to eat. So often it is the day-to-day trials and tribulations and "why me?"s that float around our heads instead of the joys that all around us.

So after the turkey has been eaten, after the family gatherings dissipate, once the holiday madness has ended - try to remember to be thankful for something EVERY DAY.

Torpedos Be Damned!

2010-10-29T08:36:00.003-05:00

Words from my coach, Derick Williamson of Durata Training, on how to approach my race on Sunday. It's been an interesting trek getting to this weekend - lot's of torpedoes have been deployed this journey and I've gotten a few scars but have managed to avoid total destruction. From various injuries to a nasty flu-like cold last week, it's been full of peaks and valleys. But how is that any different from life or anyone else's training? It's not. We all encounter obstacles; it's the tactics we use to combat them that makes us unique.

Traversing those peaks and valleys in my mind has been the greatest challenge for me. I've gone from feeling super confident to feeling that I wouldn't make it to the start line to giving up running altogether. Fortunately, I keep reminding myself that no matter your preparation, race day comes with no guarantee of success or failure, so all I need to do is put one foot in front of the other and enjoy the day.

...and damn those torpedoes!

Thanks to everyone for all your support and kind words. I may have trained alone, but I certainly don't feel alone!

Doing Something for the First Time...

2010-07-13T07:18:00.005-05:00

Aside from dusting off the blog, I decided to do something I've been wanting to do for a long time. With fortuitous timing and my tipping point reached, I decided that this is the time to make the first move.

Donate to Locks of Love

Locks of Love is an organization that collects donated human hair and creates custom wigs to children suffering hair loss from diseases and traumatic events such as cancer, alopecia, burns and other life-altering events.

Sure, I could have donated a check. What organization can't use cold, hard cash? But I want my contribution to be personal. I want to know that when some little girl looks in the mirror and smiles because for a moment, she isn't reminded of her illness or disease by her lack of hair, it is because I was able to give her a gift. I'm not curing cancer, but maybe I can help her feel better in some way while she fights through her illness. I don't know, it just seems like the right thing for me to do.

I tried to do this several years ago, but my hair was not quite long enough (shy about an inch) and I was too impatient to let it get any longer. But for the last two years, I've been letting it grow...and grow...and grow...

I am donating over 10 inches of my own hair.

It was a bit more surreal than I had imagined because I had not realized how attached to it I had become. It seems that long hair sort of becomes its own being, it has it's own life because it too changes over the years. And I unfortunately found out, also leaves you with some strange cowlicks and growth patterns that you don't discover when it's long and weighed down. But hey, I get to grow my hair out...some of these kids might not ever.

Growing Pains and Growing Gains...

2010-04-11T18:45:00.002-05:00

Gains often arise from the pains we experience through life. This is not something I have discovered all on my own - not like Albert Einstein proclaiming the Theory of Relativity. You've no doubt heard this many times, in many different renditions. But while so many times we tell ourselves "oh, I'm learning my lesson" - learning to adapt to injury, life-changes, work-changes, etc. - it's also important to ACCEPT these lessons.

Learning the lessons and accepting them, I have discovered, are not equal. Last year, as I "learned my lesson" while dealing with my hip and feet injuries, I had a difficult time accepting them. I learned that I needed to stop, to rest, to recover, but I did so with a combination of despair, resentment, bitterness and sorrow and an assortment of conflicting emotions. I knew and did what I needed to do and tried really hard to stay on course. I took a break, but in taking a break, I didn't do anything. I was so affected by not being able to run that I simply did nothing.

A few weeks ago, I began to experience a setback with my other hip. REALLY?!?! Come on! This time, I sought out the professional care necessary to begin dealing with this situation sooner than later. I also informed my coach and together have come up with ways for me to continue training without running until it resolves.

This time I will not "do nothing"...I will do what I can. I can swim, so I swim. I can spin, so I spin. I can't ride hills, so I don't. I can't run, so I don't. Bitter? Not this time. Frustrated? Sometimes, but less often than previously. I know if I listen to my body and give it time to heal itself, it will. And do you know what? Every day it seems to be improving - patience, positivity, PT and prayers - are my keys to recovery.

It's all going to be ok...for real this time!! :)

The Epiphany...

2010-03-09T21:24:00.002-06:00

Yes, it happened. The minor epiphany did occur during my run this morning...as was predicted!

I decided that while I am not currently experiencing any "drastic" life altering events, I am experiencing life altering changes:

I am eating better (most of the time)
Cooking more
Taking my lunch to work regularly
Enjoying my babies (my 4-legged babies)
Making my work life more satisfying, but never closing my eyes to possibilities)
Practicing Yoga
Making girl-time
Making couple-time
Making me-time!
Finding ways to relax
Sparking my training
Sharing my knowledge by teaching
Conscientiously trying not to be so critical of my shortcomings (except for my weight - unavoidable!)
and...
running. running. running!!

I am trying to adopt a more relaxed attitude and be open to more possibilities - be it sport, work or whatever!

So, doing the same things year after year doesn't mean you're in a rut - it's how you do them that's key. Life changes come in all shapes and sizes and right now...mine are m&m sized but quite plentiful!

Where am I?

2010-03-09T06:03:00.003-06:00

As I sit here with my coffee, preparing for my run, I'm thinking...the kind of thinking usually done after consuming a bottle of wine at home after a long day. And I'm thinking "where am I?"

How can so many things be different, yet it all somehow feel the like nothing's really changed?

Perhaps I'll have an epiphany while out on my run...I'll keep you posted!

Well, hello again!

2010-02-24T19:28:00.005-06:00

Yes, yes, yes...I've been on hiatus. No, no particular reason either...just didn't feel like sitting down to write. And no, I'm not going to try and catch up on the last five months...I'd go crazy and you'd be bored!

Right now I'm obsessed with the winter Olympics. I've watched any number of events every day and have a whole new interest in them. I've always enjoyed the summer games, but am now becoming drawn into the winter sports.

Speed Skating
Alpine
Moguls
Super G
Ski Jumping
Snowboarding
Ski Cross
Snowboard Cross
Cross Country Skiing
Luge
Figure Skating
etc.

I've watched and watched and watched in awe and amazement at what these athletes can do, what they've sacrificed to get there and how much of a lazy bum I am since I haven't been training much! At the very least, it is quite motivating...especially since I will not ever be an Olympic athlete, I don't have to train that hard!

Nevertheless...I'm back on a training program...as of today. Day 1 has been a success! The one major difference this year is that I very well may not do one single, solitary triathlon. Not one. Zero. Zilch.

What am I training for, you might ask??? MCM. Marine. Corps. Marathon. And my ticket to Boston. I will be a running and yoga-ing fool who will still bike and swim.

So now that you've read this you're asking yourself, "that's it? 5 months and her return post is this? WTH???"...yawn!

Oh, I'm sure the next several months will be eventful and insightful...at least through my eyes!

Oh, the places you will go...

2009-08-25T21:12:00.004-05:00

I believe that's something from a Dr. Seuss book. But that's how I feel. I'm going places. Where? Somewhere. Here and there and everywhere. Somewhere and no where. Up there, down there, this way and that way.

Over there and over here. The road less traveled, the road paved. No road. Familiar road.

Does it matter? Not really.

Why?

Because all that matters is that I believe, in my heart, that I am on the right path for me. I may be by myself, but I'll never be alone.

Let's go...

Not Seeing the Forest for the Trees...

2009-08-17T21:14:00.002-05:00

or something like that.

Old sayings don't stick around without reason.

Not seeing the forest for the trees - I realized very recently the magnitude of its meaning. Lately I have been so focused on a few troubled trees that I wasn't seeing the beautiful, healthy and nourishing forest around me.

Usually, when I find myself in troubled times, I retreat...withdraw from the world and dare to take on my problems single-handedly. A testament to my obscene level of stubbornness. This time, I decided to try something different. Trust. Trust that if I let my friends in to what I was feeling, that they would not betray that trust. Trust in my faith that He would help me find my way to a better place. Trust that my family would be my pillar of strength.

I was surprised by what I found.

What I found was a forest of trust and friendship. I discovered that when I surround myself with wonderful people, I do not lack for love, friendship, care or compassion. I found more than several listening ears, shoulders to lean on and smiles to comfort me. Concern and support came flowing out of the woodwork from people I barely know. I received phone calls, texts, emails all just to check up on me. I am not a very religious person and many times I question faith, spirituality, etc. But this time...this time I asked for a little help and in turn I received what I needed to lift me out of my funk.

Letting myself open up and receive my gifts - friendship, love and support - was a step I have not, until now, been able to make. So, even though I felt like I was struggling and lost; what I found was strength, friendship and confidence.

A friend recently sent me a note stating something her grandmother told her about life: Keep many friends, all kinds of friends; because you never know when you'll need them or when they'll need you.

I will most definitely hold on to that one. I am truly blessed with a forest full of goodness!

Dizzy yet??? I am!!

2009-08-05T20:31:00.002-05:00

After the ride is over...senses are regained, emotions return to steady state and the head stops spinning. You look back...smile...and think, "yeah, I made it".

It'll come soon...

A Brand New Day...

2009-08-04T22:42:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow will be a brand new day...yes, I realize today was a brand new day, as was the day before and the day before that, etc. But tomorrow is the first day I'm not going to be sad, I'm not going to mope around and I'm not going to keep from doing things I love to do because of what may or may not happen or because of who I might encounter along the way.

Why?

Because something better will always come along. My life will be better for it. I should be excited, actually. My future is waiting for me and it's time for me to get moving.

That's what I'm going to do now. I'm going to get moving. There comes a time when you have to realize that sometimes close to being happy just isn't good enough. Never give up on what you deserve and right now, I deserve to be happy!

As a good friend told me tonight...if it's right, it'll be easy. I have to remember that things always work out they way they should, maybe not the way you think they should or hope they will; but I'll be better and happier for it!

Ah, life!

Letting Go, Reaching Out and Moving On...

2009-08-02T19:26:00.002-05:00

Today wraps up a long week. You know the kind...you can't imagine that you'll make it through Monday, much less to or through the weekend. And when you look back at that week, you can't believe it was only one week. The kind of week where you feel like you can't breathe, your swirling uncontrollably in a dark abyss and it seems impossible to sort out what you are feeling because you can't determine it's source; and every outlet you usually turn to when things are falling apart seems to also be in disarray.

First up for me, is accepting that it is time to let go. Acknowledge it for what it was - both the good and the bad of it. Easier said than done. It becomes even more difficult when I am letting go of something that was so close to being "just right".

Next up is reaching out. So many times I wall up and close down to the rest of the world when struggling through the difficult times. This time, I'm changing my strategy and leaning on my friends, hoping that my trust in them will pull me through. An added benefit - learning to trust again. Something I need to learn and will serve me well in the future.

The next step is moving on. By far the hardest for me to digest, especially when things around me are moving at their own paces. That lack of control drives me nuts!! I have to realize that I can only move at a pace that I can maintain (I'm trying to refrain from racing/training analogies, but that's almost an impossibility). It entails taking that leap of faith into a vast unknown. Some people are fortunate enough to thrive on the unknown, I am terrified. Perhaps if I were only considering leaps of faith in one area of my life I might find it exciting, but when every facet of my life is requiring a change, well...it scares the crap out of me. I know from past experiences that we always move on...change happens whether we initiate it or not and we learn, grow and find happiness in those changes.

Sometimes you end up on an entirely different path than you ever imagined and sometimes you come full circle back to where you started, but in a different way. And you will never know until you take those steps to let go, reach out and move on.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

2009-07-30T20:45:00.004-05:00

what do they see that I do not?

A dear friend and I were talking today about life and in particular, about the difficult week I've had (for reasons I will not elaborate on here). Much of what was discussed was normal conversation about life, love, challenges, decisions, etc. But she said something to me that resonated loudly. She said, "you will always be your toughest critic, but sometimes you have to stop and see what the rest of us see."

The more I think about it, the more it brings a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat. Because I wish I could see what she was referring to with that statement. I feel almost like a fraud, I mean come on! I "know" who I really am, right? And if I "know" who I am, then what they must see must be fake, right? It can't possibly be real...because if they saw the real me they would see all the vulnerability, the insecurity and the fright locked inside, right?

Or am I choosing to look only through my coal-colored glasses?

Maybe I'm not seeing the real me? Perhaps I am cheating myself out of the joy of being me? What am I missing out on?

Can I allow myself to take another long look in that mirror? Take a chance that I might actually like what I see past the fleeting youthful exterior?

Mirror, mirror...

FEAR...

2009-07-30T00:14:00.003-05:00

F.E.A.R.

Fight - the temptation to succumb
Empower - yourself to face your fears
Admit - that you are fearful
Restore - your confidence that you can overcome

Three times this week the word "fear" has been used in conversation regarding me. Hi, my name is Michelle and I am a fearful person.

What is "fear" to me?
Fear is controlling.
Fear is a demon.

What am I "fearful" of?
Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of disappointing.
Fear of being lonely.
Fear of discovering I'm no different than everyone else.
Fear of discovering I'm different than everyone else.

I have been fighting fear my entire life and only now am I beginning to empower myself against the demons which have controlled me for so long. I can now admit that it has had a power over me unlike anything else in my life. I am trying very hard to restore my confidence in my being.

In a discussion earlier this week, I admitted that for several years (and even still, sometimes) I had a terrible fear of the water. I never learned to swim well growing up and so, as an adult, I was fearful of the water, especially open water. I would get to the race and walk off to the side and become sick with fear. I would cry. But every time I made myself get into the water. Then, through the tears and the fear, I would swim until I once again touched shore.

Though I have always battled fear...I have many times faced it head on. I've just never been able to give myself credit for those times I've been able to go toe-to-toe with it.

Is this something new to me? No, not really. But the way in which I am now looking at it is, in fact, very new.

I am facing fear. now. alone.

True, I have a tremendous network of support in my family and friends, but they cannot walk the long self-torturous path for me...I must walk it alone.

Perhaps if I begin to look at "fear" as a "fight" to "empower" myself; to "admit" I am afraid yet seek out ways to "restore" my confidence, I will begin to win over this crippling demon.

Passion and Belief...

2009-07-26T20:03:00.002-05:00

What is your passion?

Are you following your passion?

How far do you want to follow it?

As a hobby? A profession?

How far are you willing to go?

How far are you willing to fall for it?

Do you believe enough in yourself to do what it takes?

The Race Report

2009-06-24T21:33:00.002-05:00

I've been avoiding writing a race report because of my mixed feelings regarding the race. Yes, I missed my goal time by an hour...exactly. Yes, I PR'd the course by 40 minutes. Yes, I should be very happy I finished (some didn't)...I should be happy that I did better than last year, especially given the race conditions...I get it.

But when you set out to do something and fail in achieving it...you feel like crap.

This is part of the post-Ironman depression that affects some athletes...I know it will pass and I will refocus very soon on Vineman and attempting to qualifying for Boston at Marine Corps Marathon.

Here is the report:

I arrived in Coeur d'Alene on Wednesday and welcomed the cool weather and even the rain. I just kept thinking, "let it rain now...let it rain all it wants...now". I woke early the next day and prepared myself for my first practice swim. The wind was gusty and the water was rough. I pulled on my wetsuit, marched straight over to the start and straight into the water. The water temp was very brisk, but certainly warmer than last year. I took my first couple of strokes and realized just how rough the water really was that morning. Suddenly, I had to make a decision: 1. freak out or 2. make it fun. I went with option 2. I decided that the rolling and pounding of the water was like an amusement park ride...and I like amusement parks. So I took my time and got acquainted with the water...even laughed during the swim because I was getting bounced around like a toy!

I did all of my race "chores" on Thursday - IM store to buy more stuff I don't need; registration to be "official" and TriBikeTransport to get my bike and bag. Most of the team and my room mate also arrived on Thursday; it was good to have everyone there (but I was glad to have had a day to myself). That evening was the official "team dinner" and group pictures. I could sense the energy beginning to build.

Friday morning was another swim practice (not so choppy), this time I swam an entire 1.2 mile loop...just to get my head in the right place...I felt good, very good. I spent the rest of the day with my team mates and trying to stay off my feet. Some of us enjoyed a nice Italian dinner, including Sandra who flew in from Denver (one of my original Ironfans).

Saturday morning I passed up the swim as I wanted to go into the race with the good feelings from the day before. I opted for a short run with Charles instead. I felt like I could run all day! The legs felt fresh and ready! Next up was a short bike ride which also felt good. My legs were ready to GO! After a nap (and allergies that nearly took me out of the game) and dinner with the Riverbend Inn Peeps, it was time to get some rest. Final preparations were made and then it was lights out.

RACE DAY!!!

I woke early and ready. I checked my list and made sure I had everything I needed, then we were off. Final check of transition bags and loading of the bike with my nutrition and it was time for a "pit stop" and into the wetsuit. Sandra and Brian were with me; and thank goodness because I couldn't find any of my team mates. I started to stress out as the pros were already on their first lap and I hadn't gotten into my wetsuit yet. I knew I still had time, but I could feel the anxiety creeping into my head and my heart rate began to elevate. I ran into Jesse and it made me feel better because I could tell she was very nervous (it was her first IM) and I felt I needed to be calm so as to not freak her out. I gave Sandra my bag and off I went to the water.

As I stood at the start, I did find some of my mates and that made me feel a bit better. I watched the whitecaps in the water and knew it was going to be a challenge. Again, I had my ear plugs in and didn't hear the countdown...all of a sudden, it was into the churning water we went!

I could feel my heart rate again increasing and I knew I needed to just slow down, focus and concentrate on stroke after stroke and keeping my head together...it's just an amusement park ride, remember? Ok, so an amusement park ride that hits, kicks, pushes, pulls, etc.!! After the first loop I looked at my watch and thought, "cool, right on...now I'll put some more effort". I exited the water and the volunteer shouts, "Great job, 1:27"...WHAT?!?!?

WTF??? That was +10 minutes longer than I had expected. I flipped out! I grabbed my T1 bag and rushed into the tent in tears. TEARS!!! A volunteer was helping me with my things and all the while I kept saying, "what happened? why?" Karen was in the tent as well and I'm not sure what she said, but something about how I needed to pull myself together and get going. Thank you, Karen. But I couldn't stop crying and as I exited the tent to my bike, I ran into Logan who saw me in distress and told me to put it away, put the emotions away. But when I didn't stop crying he said, "Michelle, pull your head out of your ass...we got a long way to go". I got my bike and went on my way. Thanks, Logan.

I had to keep telling myself that I needed to chill and relax because I had at least 6 hours to go on the bike. The first loop went ok. I made up some ground and could tell I wasn't too terribly far behind Joe and James and that made me feel pretty good. The entire ride had me seeing T3 peeps and it kind of felt like a really fast training ride with so many familiar faces. I settled into the windy ride and made sure to keep my nutrition flowing. The cooler temps made me take in more than I had planned. The second loop saw an increase in clouds and wind and a drop in temp...again more nutrition. The legs were starting to feel the effects of the hills and wind, but at least I wasn't walking my bike like some men were...I felt pretty good about that. What I didn't feel good about were the stomach cramps I began to have and the three "pit stops" I had to make. I knew I wasn't going to make my bike goal time, but I kind of knew my race was over...no way I was going to make up 40 minutes on the run.

Off the bike and onto the run. I ditched the cycling jersey but kept the arm warmers...best move all day (that and buying cycling gloves the day before). I headed out and after a couple of miles saw Esther on a corner and as she cheered me on all I could say was, "I want to quit". I heard myself say that and I realized I was heading down a familiar path...NO WAY! I backed off my pace just a bit and took in some more calories...I was NOT going to succumb to the negativity and self-dout that has plagued me for so long. I decided I was just going to keep running. Then it started to rain. All along I crossed paths with many team mates...some ahead, some I passed, some I no longer saw on the course. I knew my goal time was no longer an option, but I knew I just had to keep moving. I was getting colder by the minute. But I kept thinking that as long as I kept running, I would create heat...had to keep running. Heading back into town for my second loop, having my friends and team mates scattered on the course was incredible. I needed to remind myself how much they had given to me along the way and on that day...and how I needed to show them my appreciation. I'm not much of a waver or smiler when I run...but I tried! I really tried!!

Miles 19-22 were the hardest as my IT band decided to lock up my knee and I had to do the ol' walk/run/hobble combo. At mile 22 I stopped and looked up at the sky and said, "God, I really appreciate you helping me get this far, but how about a few more miles?" Yes, I had the "come to Jesus" talk...

Then I decided that I had only 4 more miles...4 more long miles, but I needed to get done. I needed to run. Suddenly, I started to feel good again. I was RUNNING...not fast, but I felt fast(er). As I wound my way back through the neighborhoods, I felt for those who were going out for their second loop and also for those who were coming in with me on their first loop. Running past the last few aid stations, I began to yell out thanks to all the volunteers and I felt a surge of energy. I was going to finish with a sub-5 hour marathon, something that had eluded me in each of the previous three ironman races.

When I made the final turn onto Sherman for my last 7 blocks, I felt the elation that comes with seeing the finish line. I was taken by surprise by the mass of team mates who had gathered on a corner and were screaming and cheering at the top of their lungs! I felt like a rock star! I smiled and waved at everyone I knew...and everyone I didn't know who yelled out my name! I'm pretty sure that the last 4-5 blocks I ran with my arms in the air and the stupidest smile ever - and I didn't care! The fans who were still out there...bundled and soaked...were amazing! They made you feel like you had just won the whole damn thing!

So, not an IM PR, not a day of met goals; but a day of mental perserverance and a course PR. I'll take it.

Aside from missing my goal time, the only other thing I regret is not going back to see those who came in after the 14 hour mark. I was just too cold...but I did stay up until midnight, online checking for everyone who finished.

Many, many thanks to all my friends, team mates, coaches and family for all the support. What a special, special day!

How Can I Thank Thee, Let Me Count the Ways...

2009-06-20T21:28:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow I embark on yet another Ironman challenge. The same distance...but never the same race. Each is so very different in how it unfolds and the individual challenges each brings. No telling what obstacles I will have to overcome to successfully complete the course, but I am excited to find out.

I am more excited than I have been - ever. And more calm - yes, I said calm. I didn't say completely calm, just more calm. Anyone who knows me knows I get pretty nervous, anxious and wallow in self-doubt...but not so much this time. Far more confident this time and my nervousness and anxieties are more constructive than in previous events.

Anyhow, the main reason for this post is to say, "THANK YOU" to all the people who have helped me get here, and in no particular order:

dadkatysophiebellafamilysandraesthercharlesamychrissie
elizabethblythejoemattmauricejackzanejamesmichellelogan
jameserynrafaelcarriedanbilljohnjimlaurafredsuzanneart
michaelbeauxjenterrajamesmichelleerint3teammates
...and many, many others.

Each of you have helped me in your own way to achieve goals I never had thought possible. From letting me hang on to your wheels to pushing me during those long runs to picking me up off the ground when I felt I couldn't go on any more. From getting me into a wonderful bike to making sure it fit me well; to the long conversations and emails about training and racing and life - I cannot thank each of you enough.

And a special "thank you" to team mate, Erin Krielow Lahr - although you are no longer here with us physically, you are in our hearts and minds and you will cross the finish line with me tomorrow.

THANK YOU!

Eat, Pee and Smile...

2009-06-15T22:38:00.003-05:00

That's all I've done this week and that's all I plan to do on Sunday! Eat early and often...pee (oh, if only I could pee on my bike!) and smile!

Must remember to SMILE!!

Anything Can Happen...

2009-06-06T16:59:00.004-05:00

...if you just keep at it! I found my official race results from my very first triathlon ever:

Danskin 2000

Michelle Lapuente F25-29
Swim: 32:28 (4:02)
T1: 4:37
Bike: 54:58 (13.10)
T2: 4:02
Run: 36:35 (11:48)

Total: 2:12.40

Not bad considering I almost never made it out of the water! My how things can change with a little training!!

My 10 Year Love Affair...

2009-06-04T21:48:00.003-05:00

I have Carrie to thank for making me realize something very special is happening this weekend. She is celebrating her 7th year of triathlon and I am celebrating my 10th.

Ironically enough, I volunteered to be a Swim Angel at this weekend's Danskin Triathlon. My very first triathlon ever and I am giving back to the one race and the one portion of the event that has always been very special to me. Without the Danskin I would never have become a triathlete...without the Swim Angels I never would have finished the race.

I owe so much to this event.

For four years I participated in the Danskin...that was my one event of the season...of the year. Every February I would think about signing up and by March I would start "training". I trained alone, it was just something I did every year. Sometimes I would do another sprint race later in the summer, but I never trained during the winter. I took the term "off seaon" at face value.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would still be involved in the sport, much less to the extent that I am - about to participate in my 4th Ironman race and Volunteer Coordinator for a race series, Texas Tri Series. I never would have thought that I would be more fit at 37 than at 27. I never thought that I would say that a 7 mile run was a "short run"...that I would ever swim 100 meters in anything less than 2:15...that I would ever consider a 20 mile bike ride to be a "warm up". My how things have changed!!

I'm still not a great swimmer, but I have gone from back of the pack (of the two waves behind me) to a mid-pack (mid of my pack) swimmer. I've gotten stronger on the bike - enough to be able to "hold my own"...and I'm not a fast runner, but I have taken home some hardware; so I know I'm improving.

The challenges of the sport have driven me in ways I never would have imagined. It has been with me through the good and the bad; even those dark years I didn't race, it was there...letting me know it would always be there. It has given me the strength and confidence to make some tough decisions and has served as an outlet for me to vent and cry and laugh and love. It has allowed me to see others who have faced greater obstacles than I have to be there and has made me grateful for the privilage to race and humbled by their perserverance.

Triathlon has given me the opportunity to meet wonderful people and make life-long friends. I have also had the pleasure of introducing others to the sport and watching their talents blossom. Sharing the joys and benefits of the sport brings it full circle.

So "Thank You", Danskin...thank you for changing my life. The road I was on was dark and far from healthy. Thank you for bringing light into my world.

Michelle: 2, Demons: 0

2009-06-01T21:21:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you're so entrenched in the battle you fail to see the progresses you make along the way. Certainly, the clouds of dust may be unsettled and clouding your vision; but every once in a while you're able to see just a little bit more clearly.

This war against the demons of past and present is ongoing and clearly not nearing an end, but it has changed. They no longer have the upper hand, no longer are calling the shots or keeping me from believing in myself. They are no longer suppressing my desires to seek out what I want and what I feel I deserve.

I realize that the belief in "fate" is debatable...sometimes even within my own head. But if there ever existed such a thing as "fate"...it existed on two separate occasions last week. Fate brought two people back from my past, only for a moment, but a moment long enough for me to realize that I was no longer that person from my past. That I no longer had to follow those same paths...I am charting new paths...with new adventures and new rules...my rules.

Becoming comfortable with letting go of the past is part of this battle...I will always have the scars, but their existence merely serves the purpose of reminding me how far I've come.

The Terrible Taper or The Terrific Taper???

2009-05-31T20:35:00.004-05:00

Oh the TAPER!!

Well, it's taper time and with that comes the rollercoaster of emotions.

But does it have to be that way?

Why can't it just be rest and focus on what we know we can do? Why can't it just be "chill"? It's not like I haven't done this before. It's not like I don't know to expect the unexpected. Or that I don't know that all I can do is eat well, rest and then get up and go for a swim, bike, run.

Why can't it just be focusing on having fun? Am I going to win? No. Am I going to win my age group? No. Am I going to go out and do whatever I can do? Yes. Am I going to focus on keeping my head in the game? Yes.

Then I suppose there's no reason to freak out. My friends will be there to race and to cheer. They will help lift me up when times get gloomy. And when times get gloomy, I know they will pass...they WILL PASS!!

And then, barring any craziness, I will make the final turn and float down the home stretch (in the daylight, I hope) into the arms of my friends and team mates...then I will return the favor and welcome in the rest of the team and all other Ironman Finishers.

It's going to be an exciting day!

If you find my Movtivation, please tell it to come back!!

2009-05-30T19:13:00.002-05:00

WTF??? Where is my motivation? I'm 3 weeks from race day and it decided to go on vacation this week...the last solid week of training before taper!

Tuesday, I swam for 10 minutes...too much stuff jumbled in my head to focus. But I managed to pull it together for the evening workout. Wednesday went fine. Thursday, again swimming was a challenge but instead of getting out of the pool, I jumped into an empty lane and just swam...better than nothing! Evening spin was tough...got out of work late, really wanted to just sit outside with a glass of wine, but I stuck it through and actually ended up getting a good workout in, after all!

Yesterday I was trying to decide if I wanted to go out to the Real Ale Ride or stay in town. I hadn't made any plans to carpool with anyone so I was still up in the air about it. I decided that I would just stay in town. But by the evening, I decided that I'd be better off (and more apt to actually ride) if I drove out to do the ride. Plus, some of my good friends were going to be there, too.

But much like the rest of the week has been, I had no motivation this morning to ride 80 miles. I was so unmotivated that I didn't pre-hydrate or eat a good breakfast like I should have. I just didn't care anymore. It was a nice drive out and the sunrise was perfect...still, no motivation. I pulled into the parking lot and could tell that my attitude was not concealed well at all!

I didn't want to talk to anyone...look at anyone...just wanted to be invisible!! Didn't work, argh! I openly admitted that I had no motivation or desire to ride...Chrissie smacked me on the hand and basically told me to get over it; I hate when she's right!! Anyhow, I appreciate my team mates putting up with my grumpiness.

We started the ride in the usual charity ride chaos and went out like we were on fire! Oh man, I was going to be in trouble! My usual riding crew took off early and I was riding in a group that was just too fast for me. I lasted a few miles and then proceded to get dropped.

So I kept riding.

Then I came face to face with comitment - head to the shorter loops or commit to the 65/80 route

I commited to 65

alone.

I continued to ride as hard as I could. I just wanted to get done. I passed rest stops. I waited for no one. I caught up to no one. I rode alone.

After one particularly long climb, I came to a rest stop to refill my water bottles and found Miah changing a flat. He moved me on, but not before telling me that we were on the 65 mile route.

The Big Man upstairs knew I needed a break. I never saw the turn for the 80 mile route. I never had to make that decision.

I continued to ride hard. I had no idea how far I had gone or how fast. I was wearing my Garmin but realized after oh, maybe 30 miles, that I had forgotten to turn it on! Clearly, I wasn't in my head at the start!

I had many conversations with myself on this ride. Here are some of the conclusions:

1. "wow! Today's a perfect day to ride - perfect weather, great friends"
2. "Wow! This route is beautiful...and HILLY!!"
3. "Stop being silly, I am going to finish CDA"
4. "Remember, I am going to have FUN at CDA"
5. "Eeeck, is that snake dead?? I hope so!"
6. "Hey self, remember that I have done this race before!"
6. "I am going to have a lot of support out there"
7. "Remember not to wear THESE shorts to CDA...ouch!!"
8. " Remember, I need to stay positive and focused!"
8. "I do well once I get going, I just need to remember that at the beginning"
9. "Uh oh, need to eat more calories"
10. " I'm really ready to get off my bike, but I'm feeling pretty good!"
11. "Hmm...stranger told me I ride well, solid...that's nice" (no, he wasn't hitting on me either...was telling me about his 9 month old twins!)
12. "WHAT IS THAT SMELL???"
13. "Wow, it's really getting hot out here!"
14. "Glad to be finished!!"

I finished the 65 (or so) miles in 3.5 hours...pretty solid for a solo ride (at least for me). I was pleased that despite my lackluster start and solo ride, I still managed to put in a solid effort...just think what I can do when my head's in the right place???

Got 3 weeks to get it right!

p.s. I may have found a bit of my motivation on that ride today. I think maybe riding solo and working things out on my own may have been what I needed...we'll find out!

Scooped Up

2009-05-28T23:08:00.002-05:00

Thank God for girlfriends!

Over the past couple of weeks they have swooped in and scooped me up! I realize that so often I have the "I can do it myself" mentality and it's not always the healthiest in these situations as I end up spending my time very much alone and feeling friendless.

WHICH IS MY OWN DOING...YES, I KNOW!!

Anyway, it's been such a relief to have so many amazing friends. I decided I have to learn to trust...so what better way to learn than to start with my girl friends. Over the past number of months, I have been fairly removed...I mean, I've been around but I haven't really been there. So it's almost like waking up and taking a deep breath...ahhh! And letting myself open up to them and trust is a big deal for me and a step I'm ready to take. It's about those darn baby steps!

Part of me is still in a bit of a funk...naturally, but the rest of me is feeling pretty darn relieved...thanks to those girls!!

Now if I can just find my Ironman motivation! If you see it wondering around, please send it back home...I need it!!

The 40/40

2009-05-28T23:01:00.002-05:00

Man, oh man! Last weekend was brutal! Doesn't seem like it should have been that bad...a short 40 mile bike ride followed by a 13 mile run followed the next day by a 40 mile recovery ride.

Sounds simple enough.

Ass kicker, I tell ya!

I managed to hang with Joe and Matt for the 40 mile ride and then I wasn't sure what I was going to do about my run, but Joe said, "ready?" so there I went. We finished the 13 miles in about 1:50, which for me, was pretty damn good straight off the bike! I couldn't have done it without him, that's for sure!!

My team was great! We had a couple of tents in our "transition area" and also some bike racks for the "full effect". Team mates who weren't participating in the brick scattered themselves out on our course, equipped with with water and oranges...ahhhh!!

The great thing about the 40/40 is that you know it's almost show time! Only one long ride left and taper has begun.

Good luck to us all!

When something goes wrong with the fit...

2009-05-18T21:50:00.002-05:00

Ever have that bike that fit like a glove and then one day, it just doesn't fit like it used to? Maybe you got a new bike, or just though of getting a new one, and suddenly discovered that you were missing something you never even realized was missing because you were so close minded and tunnel visioned about the first bike. So then maybe you tried to fix it...maybe you tried to make the first bike fit like the new one, but it just wasn't the same...and maybe it actually hurt you instead. So maybe then you tried to start over and make it fit again, like it used to. And it made your heart ache to know it would never be...

How sad to know that what was once a perfect match wasn't really so perfect after all. How do you come to terms with the guilt of not feeling guilty for wanting something else? After all the first bike did for you? All the training...all the races...all the miles of blood, sweat and tears...to know that things will never be the same. Oh, you'll still ride it on occasion and of course, you have the fond memories and the deep scars from rides past...and you'll always have a place for it in your heart; but in your heart of hearts, you know it'll never be the same.

...and then I saw Dave running on the trail this morning!

2009-05-18T21:48:00.001-05:00

Falling Apart and Holding it Together...

2009-05-13T22:19:00.002-05:00

My body doesn't want to do what I want it to do. I wanted it to run faster...it didn't want to. I wanted it to stop hurting...it didn't want to.

Mile repeats were less than impressive.

Falling apart.

My mind is doing what I want it to do. I want it to stay focused...it is doing it. I want it to stay strong...it is doing it.

Moments of freaking out or despair? Yes, but my mind is fending them off with reckless abandon. My mind is refusing to give in to the pain...to the hurt...to the heat...to anything that tries to keep me from continuing...from achieving my goals.

My mind...my friends/team mates...my heart...will not let me down...I will prevail...

WTF??? That was some run!!

2009-05-08T23:03:00.002-05:00

So due to scheduling conflicts (insert shameless plug for The Pure Sport Rookie Triathlon, May 10th at the Texas Ski Ranch, a Jack and Adam's/High Five Events Production) I had to do my 20 mile long run yesterday after work.

Let me set that up for you: 95 degrees, sunny, 89% humidity

Logan and I set out on what was surely to be an epic run...and it proved to be just that. I can't describe it other than to say it felt like an Ironman run in every sense. I had very little sleep in the nights leading up to the run. I woke early for my 6:00 a.m. spin class and I put in a full 8 hour work day. Then it was time for the run.

Four bottles of water and three gels later, we were done...and I mean DONE! It was the hardest, most mentally challenging run I've had in a long time. The only difference in my performance this time from previous runs was that I was able to push past the hurt, the tired, the pain to get it finished...with my running partner's help, of course!! And even though it took longer than I had hoped, it was still solid and just over 3 hours.

It was crazy! I totally felt like I was in an Ironman run...I didn't realize that you could actually replicate the feeling. Even the post run cramping and tears were present, yes, I cried. Couldn't help it...couldn't stop it!

So damned glad I did it!!

Hangin' On...

2009-05-08T22:57:00.002-05:00

My new motto for the year!

This year it's been all about "hangin' on"...hanging on in the pool...hanging on on the bike...hanging on on the run. I have been pushing and pushing to go faster, which has meant a lot of me sitting in the back of whatever and hanging on.

It's working.

Last week I managed to hang on and ride the 100 miles to Shiner with some folks I never would have believed I could ride with...but I decided in my head that I was going to hang on as long as I could, but then something happened I didn't expect...I started to believe I could do it. Crazy as it may sound, but it's the truth. It wasn't until after the ride was over that I realized what I had done.

No, I'm not the faster or the strongest by any means, but I am beginning to believe that change is happening...for the best. I am beginning to believe that I CAN DO what I set out to do.

I just hope one day I can translate that to other aspects of my life.

I just have to keep hangin' on...

Back in the Saddle Again...

2009-04-29T17:31:00.007-05:00

Well, back in the blogging saddle!

Ever feel sometimes like there's so much going on it seems absolutely impossible (and exhausting) to write everything you want?

Let's see if I can even recall the highlights:

1. New bike!!! She's a beauty and FAST, FAST, FAST!!! Wish I had the stronger legs she deserves!
(for those who are curious (some of you have already asked)...no, I did not get rid of the Guru...too much sentimental value to ever part with that bike. I still use it as a trainer bike weekly)

2. Set new bike PR at Lone Star Half - 21.1 mph (2008 bike split - 18.3 mph). Some people said it was windy; but I never noticed it...was having so much fun on my new Felt DA.

3. Set new Run Far TT PR - 23.6 mph (20:20 min).

I LOVE MY NEW BIKE!!!

4. Set new 20 mi (training) run PR - 8:25 min/mi

Place	Name	Team	Bib No	Age	Overall	Chip Time	Gun Time	Diff	Pace
1	Michelle Lapuente		540	37	5	20:20	1:09:33	49:12	23.6MPH

5. Realizing that I live in the Matrix because I only see numbers!!

6. Most pitifull overall PR at Lone Star - 5:38:15 (2008 - 5:56). Fair swim, solid bike and then fell APART on the run...no really - I was laying on the sidewalk!

7. I know, I know...a PR is a PR...leave me alone :p

8. Oh, still trying to fend off some demons...refer back to posts from early '09, if you're really bored...yes, still working. It totally sucks though because it really makes my head hurt and I tend to then withdraw from people while struggling...sucks.

9. Celebrated having my puppies for 1 year!! Love those little monkeys!

10. Enjoying some solid training, even though at the moment, I am really tired and want to just stop...but at least I recognize that this is what happens while enduring this magnitude of training

11. Have a plan for my future...not ready to disclose the details yet, but I have taken the first step and foresee a couple of years before it comes to fruition...but it will come...I have to believe!

12. Enjoyed a visit from my sis, Jen. So good to see her relaxing and taking a step back. I really missed that part of her.

13. Getting ramped up for our first Texas Tri Series event of the season - The Rookie Triathlon. Still working the volunteers. Still stressing!! :) Love the stuff!!!

14. Enjoying a glass of wine in a tiny oasis (House Wine) while chaos surrounds me

Sometimes you've just got to take a step back, stop and smell the grapes!!

Onward...

Legs of Lead...

2009-03-08T16:17:00.002-05:00

but that's because of another successful weekend. Now, technically it was supposed to be a "recovery" type week and all in all, it was...kinda :)

Yesterday's ride was awesome - 20 mph winds, riding at a 45 degree angle to not get blown over and all in the name of charity and training!

Because of the wind, my ride plan changed from riding hard to enjoying the 50 miler. It was a short ride anyway, why did I think I needed to work so hard? I found myself invoking the same changes, for the same reasons, as I did last weekend for the half marathon. And guess what happened?

Hell ya, baby...I had a freaking great ride!!! Apparently, I like annoying hills and vicious winds. I felt strong the entire ride and never went to a bad place mentally, even when the crosswinds were blowing us all over the place. I concentrated on my leg turnover and keeping my upper body as relaxed as possible. I didn't want to have a stiff neck/shoulders after the ride. Because that sucks.

Again, I'm not sure what happened or why, but I just felt really good.

So good that after the turnaround, the boys came flying by and I was feeling fiesty; I thought, "do I go with them? do I give it a shot?" And without hesitation, I grabbed on to a wheel. I figured that I would hang on for a minute until I got dropped and then I would finish the ride with J. But that did not happen - for a while.

I couldn't believe it...I wasn't getting dropped...I was holding on...and I was flying!! Call me a wheel sucker, I don't care...it takes a lot of work to not get dropped by them. Eventually, after the last right hand turn and less than 10 miles from the finish, I started to fall off the back. And that was ok. It was a slow, painful drop but oh, so worth it!

I made the last couple of climbs by myself and still felt good. I pulled over at the last aid station only to find that it was a mere 6 miles from the finish - back on the bike and steady to the finish. I finished that ride on a huge adrenaline high - I "rode" today. Chalk it up as another milestone training day.

The only thing better than an awesome ride today? Getting to eat Fuddrucker's burgers after with two awesome ladies!!
*********************
Gotta take 'em when you can get 'em because we all know that training is always sprinkled with those sessions that aren't so great. But that's ok because now I know that I can be strong. That I am strong.

Even though my run today was mediocre, at best, it never deflated my confidence. I expected to have one of these days soon and given the effort from yesterday, I'm not surprised it happened today. The first several miles were really hard as my quads were not happy and a hamstring was angry too. I just made sure I kept running. C kept me honest and did a great job helping me stay on pace. And at the end I had 10 more running miles logged in my book.

Training has never been more fun.

(and no, I didn't have a stiff neck/shoulders afterwards!)

Scratching my head...

2009-03-04T21:02:00.003-06:00

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but I like it. I'm running. Faster. It's a strange (yet, cool) feeling when things start to click.

Ok, I am in no way setting any land speed records, but for me this is uncharted territory; mmm...maybe not uncharted, but I haven't been at this point of "AHA!!" in a long time. I remember a time when running a 10:00 min/mi was a milestone...then a 9:00 min/mi and I was happy with that...then I wanted an 8:00 min/mi

and now I'm gunning for 7:00's

I can't help but think of Carrie's recent post basically wondering when is it good enough? It brings the same kind of questions to my mind. When will we be satisfied with our successes? Will we ever be? It truly is the good and bad of this sport. It sucks you in with the small successes and makes you want more. It is what keeps pushing us to greater achievements both in and out of sport.

I like it.

I love it.

I want some more of it!

(mile repeats: 6:57/7:00/6:49/6:44)

Guilt...

2009-03-03T07:00:00.002-06:00

I am writing this as I sit on my bed...guilt ridden.

Why?

I did not go to swim practice today.

Why?

I was tired. Really tired.

For some reason, I'm never as guilty about missing a workout as I am when I miss a swim practice. I know I'm not going to forget how to swim overnight. And I'm really trying to listen to my body and rest when it calls for it...and this morning called for it.

I need to relax about it.

Seriously.

I BELIEVE

2009-03-01T19:48:00.003-06:00

I did not believe it would come today. It was 39 degrees when the air horn blew and the winds were fierce out of the north at about 15-20 mph. I was having second thoughts about running the Moe's Better Half today. "Fun" was not an adjective I was going to use today for this race.

I began to reassess my strategy for the race and just try to stay as close to 8 min/mi as possible. All hopes for a PR were nonexistent.

The horn blew and what happened next was not at all what I would have predicted, given the conditions:

mile 1: 7:38 - holy crap it's cold and I'm going way too fast

mile 2: 7:18 - I think my Garmin's broken...my gosh I'm cold

mile 3: 7:28 - surly it's broken because it feels too easy...I should back off

mile 4: 7:36 - wtf?? oh, wait...duh...tailwind...go with it!

mile 5: 7:21 - this was not the plan, but keep it up and bank it for later 'cause we gotta turn around soon...and what's with the hills???

mile 6: 7:24 - I still think maybe the Garmin is off...

mile 7: 7:57 - crosswind, this is more the pace I was expecting

mile 8: 8:08 - oh crap, the wind is RIDICULOUS!! and what's with the HILLS??? I'm off pace...hang on!

mile 9: 8:13 - I've never worked this hard for so little return...keep pushing...oh, the HILLS!!!!

mile 10: 8:13 - I feel like I'm going to be blown over...I can do this...I can hold on...maybe even PR...did I say "PR"???

mile 11: 8:00 - if I just hold this pace, I will PR...the crosswinds...the headwinds...the HILLS...argh!! I can even walk a little and still PR - NO!!!! NO WALKING!!!

mile 12: 8:02 - I am doing this. Winds...Hills...NOT GOING TO STOP ME...KEEP PUSHING...uh oh, girl in front of me...looks to be around my age maybe...WILL CATCH HER

mile 13: 8:25 - uphill into the wind...then turn uphill and crosswinds...dropped the girl I just passed...HANG ON...PR IS IN SIGHT!!

FINISH LINE: 1:42:56 - 2nd place 35-39 - 7th place overall female.

I PR'd my half marathon by 3 minutes and that previous PR was on a perfect day on the 3M course.

What kept me going out there? It was my head. I kept telling myself that this was for a greater goal...this would help me build for Ironman...this would make me stronger for that day when all will be on the line and my mind will want to quit, my body will want to quit...but I'm going to train myself to not give in, to stay with it and keep my mind strong. It wasn't my legs that carried me to the finish...it was my head.

I BELIEVE!!!

Unleashing the Beast - or - Unlocking the door to new (dis)comfort zones...

2009-02-27T17:00:00.001-06:00

Today was a most unusually warm day as the temps reached the upper 80's. I went for a late afternoon run and this is what I came up with:

1. I am beginning to believe I am a faster runner
2. I ran 7:40 without the feeling of imminent death
3. I have been holding myself back from doing this sooner
4. No book, no friend, no coach, no team mate, NO ONE can make you believe what you are capable of if you don't first have faith in yourself and begin to believe in your abilities.

You may argue that others will help you achieve this and I will say you are right. They can, but only to a certain extent. I have been told for a long time now that I am capable of much more (and now I'm not just talking running) but I haven't let myself believe it.

It wasn't until last weekend when I hung on (for dear life) with the guys & Marie for five miles of sub-8 minute miles. Until then, the only time I've ever done that was during a 5k...and I thought I was going to lose my lunch. Not this time. I began to believe.

Then when I went for my run today and ran that same pace without fear - of getting dropped, of blowing up - I did it on my own. And did not feel the Grim Reaper on my heels.

I had crossed a barrier and now there's no turning back.

Let's see what happens next...

She wore an...

2009-02-18T07:45:00.000-06:00

itty-bitty-teeny-weeny red and yellow flamed bikini...

I LOVE my new SPLISH swim suit! Yes, after reading about them on Bree Wee and Amanda Lovato's blogs, I decided to give them a try.

I previously had a TYR two piece that I really liked the design and pattern (who can't feel fast and fierce wearing skulls and crossbones?) but because I'm small on top, the low cut caused a lot of water to pull on the suit. The bottom was a little bit better but still I couldn't get it tight enough. So sadly, I had to put it away and resume my search for a perfect two piece suit.

Enter SPISH.

I had read about them a while back on the blogs and figured it was time to give 'em a whirl...many patterns to choose from and if you don't like those, design your own! And price? Average to low for a suit anywhere else. The fit? Nice and snug. No gapping. No pulling. No slipping around.

I love my new suit!!

Observations from the Road...

2009-02-17T22:50:00.000-06:00

Last Sunday I had the opportunity to ride alongside some truly remarkable athletes. Since there is no way I can run with them, I make the most of what I can get.

For those of you who are like me and somewhere in the middle, we often time don't realize that the leaders get bike escorts. Or if we do, we never see them! Anyhow, I was fortunate enough to get to participate as an escort (no, not that kind of escort, sheesh...) for the women's half marathon.

There are so many details of the day that I could go on and on and on...etc. But I will keep focused here on the observations I want to share:

1. Having fun - when I saw Gilbert in the early miles of the race, he seemed to be having fun; even making a little small talk with me as I rode alongside

2. Focused - the level of focus that these runners have is incredible

3. Relentless - despite the physical pain and what surely must also be mental pain, they do not back down, give up or give in...even if there's no chance to win.

4. Technique - one of the main reasons I love this job is that I get to watch their running styles and forms. Since I have such a problem with my foot strike, this is a great way to watch and learn.

As I stated earlier, I could go on...but I wanted to point out the things that struck a chord with me. I just love to watch them run!!

Thank you, runners (thanks, Desiree)

Know When to Fold 'Em...

2009-02-14T22:00:00.000-06:00

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run"

-Kenny Rogers, The Gambler

Every once in a long while this will happen during training and the decision must be made...today was that day.

And the decision was made - I scrapped the ride. I'm not one to normally bail but it just wasn't in the cards today. It all started with my pre-ride 5 mile run. The run went fine (sidebar: it was my 21st of 21 days of running!) but I noticed that my tummy was feeling just a bit off and I wasn't sure if it was going to pass or become an issue. I figured I'd head out on the ride anyhow. The weather conditions were fairly brutal in that they were very much like last weekend...only colder. Yes, nasty wind and bitter cold. Fortunately, unlike my riding partner, I was dressed appropriately and wasn't all that uncomfortable. But as we slogged out to Fitzhugh, it was determined that we were not getting in a workout at all. We were just going through the motions, my mind obsessed with what my stomach might or might not do and we really weren't getting anywhere. Literally. We traveled just over 12 miles in an hour. Stellar (insert large quantities of sarcasm here).

The decision was made and executed.

The turnaround occurred.

Breakfast ensued.

What did I learn?

That I made the right decision. Turns out that as the day progressed I felt genuinely fatigued, as if I might be fighting off something. I managed to sneak in a nap before getting to all the other plans I had for the day, but I could tell that all was not quite right. So much so, that by the second half of Carrie's show, I was feeling run-down and ready to pass out. I'm trying to be better at listening to my body and this was a good example. Yes, the guilt associated with bagging the ride will linger but at least I will not have run myself into the ground and suffer by having to miss additional training sessions.

Running backwards...

2009-02-04T21:55:00.002-06:00

Is how I felt tonight on the track.

4x1 mile repeats

Did I have anything left?

This is day 11 of 21 of my run block and I'm really feeling it now. The answer to the previous question is no - and yes. I had absolutely no speed. Every step was a struggle. Every breath labored.

I didn't warm up properly, I was too anxious to get started, done and home early. That certainly didn't help my first mile:

7:37
7:15
7:17
7:12

It was a bit frustrating, but knowing that I have really been putting miles on the ol' legs, I tried not to beat myself up too much over it. Hopefully, once I'm done with this block I'll really be able to see where I am with my mile repeats and go from there.

I just really, really, REALLY want to become a better (faster) runner.

Patience.

Guardian Angels...

2009-02-03T22:06:00.000-06:00

Some guardian angels are living right before your eyes!! Mine is named Nancy. This morning, as I was dragging myself into the dressing room at the pool, she followed me in. I didn't think anything of until, with a glow on her face she said she had something for me. I was still half a sleep but I could see she was serious about it. As I turned the bag over, emptying its contents into my other hand, I could not believe my eyes.

An m-dot necklace.

She had replaced my lost m-dot necklace.

I cried.

I am not sure why I deserve such a gesture, but I am forever grateful for the selflessness and generosity of others. I am truly blessed!

Am I really doing this??

2009-02-01T21:33:00.000-06:00

Tritobefunny is going to triandkickmyassintorunninggear!!
\
I agreed to meet Carrie at 7:00 a.m. for a 12 mile run. I'll be honest, I was a little intimidated by the idea, but since I am hellbent on improving my run (and she obliged) I decided it was a good idea. And it was! Aside from the obvious (she's faster than me) she's just fun to be around.

We finished the 7 mile loop in a decent time, but I had not anticipated what was to come. We picked up a couple of friends for the last 5 miles...a couple of just-as-fast-as-Carrie friends. I felt so out of shape as they were all chatty and having a great time and I was just trying to stay upright and not lose a lung!!

The last mile was at a pace just over 7 min/mi. and it felt every bit of it! My legs were on fire, my lungs searing and my heart about to explode!!

But I did it!

Day 8 of 21 - done!

The Long and Winding Road...

2009-01-31T21:11:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not referring to the old Beatles tune but to my first long outdoor ride of the year. Up until now I've spent a lot of time on the trainer, but now it was time to hit the road. And I was starting it on the Dam Loop...go big or go home!

I love this route. It is comfortable and familiar to me. I've been riding this loop for years. I started the morning off in a bit of a funk and I wasn't feeling very social so I decided to lay low and get my stuff on in a hurry so that I could get going before my group was to start. They were rolling out about 8:30 and by my watch it was 8:22, yikes!

There was a chill in the air but I knew it would be warming up, so a pair of toe covers and arm warmers and I was good to go. I quickly caught up with the first group and then I was on my own. I headed out Southwest Parkway and got my first taste of the hills and it felt great! I really like Reflector Hill, it just feels good. Once on Hwy 71, I crossed my fingers and held on tight until I got off of there. Scariest part over and life was good again.

As I was riding, I worked some things out in my head. Sometimes just being on the bike and on the road on a beautiful day is all it takes to make all the bad go away.

Periodically I came upon teammates sprinkled here and there and it was a good knowing that they were coming my way, in case I ran into trouble or needed help. I guess after about 30 or 35 miles, C caught up to me and I kind of thought I'd catch a little break...you know, maybe catch a draft here or there, but nooooooo...he managed to stay just enough ahead of me on the hills that I didn't benefit and other times, I just rode alongside. I'm sure it's better for me in the long run. I did notice that the wind was picking up...and out of the south, just in time for us to head south back onto 360!!

Ok, that stupid hill at Bee Cave just never gets any easier, especially with a headwind...argh!!! Anyhow, I made it (yeah!!) and was happy to get back to Southwest Pkwy. After finally meandering our way back to the parking lot, we loaded up the bikes, threw on the running shoes, hooked up with Master T and headed out for our 30 minute run. That's right folks, first ride of the season was also the first brick of the season...go big or go home!! Naturally, the first bit was tough and I wasn't so sure about even going 20 minutes. And considering this is day 7 of my 21 day run block, the legs weren't so fresh. Anyhow, the more we ran, the better I felt. Master T turned back and C and I pressed on. 35 minutes later I was back at my car for a stretch, recovery drink and Yvonne's homemade cookies!!

In summary...I felt great! I'm not sure what that means but I didn't feel bad at all. I felt like my legs were a bit tired and sure, that's expected...but I really felt fine. I didn't even go home and pass out like I used to do!!

I guess I am a bit more fit than I thought...or just had a lucky day, cause I know what's yet to come!!

Out in the cold...

2009-01-28T21:51:00.002-06:00

Last night was an interesting one. After a short run, I hopped on my bike for spin class and quickly realized that my m-dot necklace was missing.

DAMN!

I hopped off my bike and did a quick search of the dressing room, my running clothes, my bag and all surrounding areas...no luck.

After class I decided it would be my mission to go out and retrace my steps to search for it. No problem, right? Right. Except that it was now after 8:00 p.m. and the temperature was a brisk 30 degrees with north winds sustained at about 20 mph. I was not quite appropriately dressed, but then again, I was only hoping to be out there for 20-30 minutes.

So I started walking. And I walked. And I walked some more. Slowly. Patiently. Realizing that I was the only person on the streets gave me some comfort of safety...but only from people, the cold was harsh. Finally, a spark of hope! I found the chain that the m-dot had been on, but that was it. I looked frantically around the entire area, hoping that it had fallen close by but that was not to be...so I kept walking. Now I had a bit of hope and that seemed to warm me a bit, but not for long. Again, I was creeping along the sidewalk. As I was walking, I started to laugh (out of delirium? perhaps) because only a crazy triathlete would be out in this weather looking for something that was completely replaceable!! It's not like it was a wedding ring or other highly valuable gem. It's just a little piece of jewelry that I bought to commemorate something special to me. Something that I worked very hard for, and now, here I was working hard for it again.

For almost two hours, I walked from the PTC (Oltorf and Lamar), crossed the Pedestrian bridge and began to head back. Fortunately, that's when C found me and saved my toes from frostbite. We drove back to the site where I had found the chain and this time he gave it a look. Nothing.

I know I am not defined by a piece of jewelry or by any branded product like a t-shirt, a backpack, a hat or any other tangible item that states I've completed an event; and beyond any finishing time in any record book, solely by the nature of my ability to set out on a mission, even if it results in failure, and see it through to the end...makes me an Ironman.

I set out in adverse conditions to complete something that was important to me...not to anyone else, but to me...and I failed.

I couldn't be happier.

************************************************************************************
p.s. don't get me wrong, I LOVE all the marketing swag and jewelry!!

Short Shorts Fiasco...

2009-01-14T21:31:00.001-06:00

We all know there was a time when running fashion was...well, less than fashionable. I was rudely reminded of that on the trail the other day. C and I had gone out for a run and shortly into our warm up, he nudges and whispers loudly to me, "don't look!"

Too late!!

There it was, the man in the ultra-short, white, running shorts. Where do you even begin to find those? Were they tucked in the back of a closet, waiting for release into the new era of running? Were they his high school cross country shorts? Were they even his? What prompted him to put them on on this particular day? Did they shrink in the wash?

I performed my own bit of research on mens' running shorts and couldn't even find "white" as an option for men's running shorts!!

So many questions in such a short time that I hardly noticed that my eyeballs were now scarred for life. This image of the man in the ultra-short, white, running shorts has seared it's impression and shall never be forgotten.

If you, ultra-short, white, running shorts man, happens to come upon this post...please do not take offense...just take note that the current year is 2009 and pick up a new pair of running shorts.

Please.

Ready, set...one more week...

2009-01-09T21:44:00.003-06:00

I am so freakin' excited to train for IM CDA again...just not this week. I know, I know...but this is WEEK 1!! The kickoff meeting was last Sunday and Monday was our first day of training!! I'm supposed to be getting on it, buckling down, getting serious...

WTH???

I'm working my way there but ditched two workouts this week for wine. Let it be known though that the workouts I did do, I did with focus and intensity. I swam with purpose, spun with conviction and ran with heart. So long as I can maintain that focus and keep my workouts meaningful, I will do just fine and when I feel like I'm starting to fall apart, I have teammates who will keep me honest.

But that'll be next week.

*************************************************************************************
Tomorrow I will join my team in a memorial ride for Erin Lahr, a young woman who I wrote of after her collapse at the Dallas White Rock Marathon. It is forecasted to be cold and windy; certainly not favorable riding conditions, in my book. But I will ride and so will others because we have a purpose. I hope that wherever Erin is now, it is beautiful and always perfect for a ride or a run.

I will feel the wind and I will feel the cold and I will relish in the fact that I can FEEL. I will recall the brief moments I had with her and how friendly and kind she was to me. I truly believe people come in and out of our lives for different reasons and I think Erin was here to remind me to feel...with my hands and my heart. Thank you, Erin!!

Party Pooper...

2009-01-08T23:13:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I decided to skip track practice and just go out for a short run. I guess you could say I was having an aversion to "big group workout". That being said, I heard I missed a really good and fun practice. Anyhow, as I headed out I have to admit that the first mile and a half were ICK!

What happened to my legs? Where'd they go? I was barely running 8:00 and just Sunday I was ticking away 7:35's...WTF???

I stopped for some water and a little stretching before continuing on and that seemed to help a bit. Then super D came up next to me (yes, I had stopped to fuss with my iPod) and suddenly the run seemed to perk up a bit. It was as if my legs just needed a companion. Things went along great even after D peeled off.

That was until the Party Pooper arrived...

**WARNING: IF YOU ARE GROSSED OUT BY POOP TALK, THEN STOP READING***

The Party Pooper - the uncontrollable urge to go #2. OMG, I thought I was going to have some serious problems so I cut the run short and headed back. The whole time I'm running back I feel like I'm going to lose control and I'm thinking, "great! of all the days I decide to wear light-colored shorts!!"

In the end, all was right in the world. No eruptions - quite uneventful, thankfully. I suppose it's safe to say that you just never know when the ol' Party Pooper is going to show up...just gotta be ready to face it and take it in stride...

From here on, everything counts...

2009-01-07T07:13:00.002-06:00

Yes, training has begun and we are now mid-week into week 1 and although I have already missed two scheduled workouts and I'm not worried about it at all. I know what I have ahead of me and what I need to do to get to the finish line in a time that will satisfy me. It's really fairly simple:

MAKE IT COUNT

Every workout, every training session...every decision I make about my life from here on, counts. It's a new year...it's time to get the plan into action.

Stay tuned...more to follow.

Deep Breath...

2008-12-31T17:12:00.004-06:00

For anyone who's read my last few entries, you know things have been not-so-cheery. In my posting absence, and aside from my holiday indulgences, I have been working on knocking down those walls I have so painfully been dealing with my entire life.

As I sit down to write this post, I envision running...Ironman...Hobbits/Orcs...and how I would relate my self imposed goals for 2009 to those subjects. I thought first about running and how the goals I have set will be like going for a long run...sometimes I'll feel good, then not so good (maybe sad, maybe hurt) and then most likely good again. Then I thought about Ironman and how it calls for you to dig deeper and deeper each time you dare step up to the challenge. But what really kept coming to mind were Hobbits and Orcs...I feel much like a Hobbit (less the hairiness...although, if I stop waxing...ok, TMI) battling the evil Orcs (which would be my demons). Frodo had many battles to fight and often felt scared and weak, but he always found the courage to go on and keep to his promise. And he always had help. He always had people or creatures to help him find his way. I am fortunate to have many helpers, I just need to reach out to them and that for me has always been difficult. Anyhow, I have made my references and now I will get to what I really want to say.

I am beginning to stand up to myself for myself. I have dared myself to look deep inside by putting pen to paper and acknowledging the demons and arming myself with weapons to combat these saboteurs. This is the year I take the steps I have needed to take for years...always having turned away out of fear and using excuses like "I can handle it" and "I know better"...and even though, yes, I can handle it and I do know better...I never did. I didn't handle things and I was too stubborn to admit when I needed help.

A lot of things have happened over the last few weeks - I lost a teammate. I almost lost love. I realized how much I have been holding myself back from living...really living and being happy. I've had my head in the sand...something (when I was younger) I vowed I would never do.

It ends here.

I am putting this out there for you...for me. So that I may hold myself accountable. So that I shift course and make positive changes. So that I do not continue down the same paths. There have been times in my life that I have been able to deviate from the negative and I can remember those, even if only vaguely, and I remember how good I felt. How proud of myself I was for taking the leap. Now, I have to dig deep again...find that strength to take control of my life.

Deep breath...

Life, Death and Something in Between

2008-12-16T08:46:00.003-06:00

"Tomorrow is promise to no one."

I don't know where I heard this or who I need to credit with this, but I know one thing...it is more true today than it was before this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure where to begin explaining what is bouncing off the walls of my mind. Let me throw out some words that come to mind from those 48 hours: shock, disbelief, numbness, love, sorrow, disappointment, fear, love, grief, joy, guilt.

I learned Sunday afternoon, as I was looking up marathon race results for my teammates, that one of us, Erin Lahr, had collapsed at mile 21 of the Dallas White Rock Marathon and died.

She died.

At 29.

She was an accomplished marathoner and loved to run. I didn't have the pleasure of knowing her very well, but we were friendly and even ran on the same relay team earlier this summer. She always had a smile and friendly disposition. She will be forever missed.

But not only will she be missed, she will serve as a reminder to me that there may not be a tomorrow. There might not be a "later today"...it can all be gone in an instant.

If you've read my last few posts, you know that I've already been going through some tough internal struggles and this was like ice water being thrown on your face while you're sleeping. WTF?!?!?! It confirmed what I was already thinking...time to take those walls way down.

I already had started to chip away but this made me go back for a bigger sledge hammer. I will not let my fears dictate my life any longer. I will not take for granted those who love me and I will not follow in the footsteps of those who do. I want to be a better person than that. I want the people close to me to know how important they are and how much I care for them. I want them to know that they mean something and that I will not disregard our relationships for the guilty pleasures that taunt us from time to time. I know I'm not perfect, let me not cast stones!! I know that people have reasons for their actions, I've been there...and have dealt with consequences...sometimes they were worth it, sometimes not.

A lot of emotion flowed this weekend and although I cannot go into it all here, I know that because of the actions of others and the loss of a truly wonderful person...I am a changed woman. A better woman.

Hellooooo, Lover....

2008-12-14T10:28:00.002-06:00

Let me introduce you to my new love...my iPhone!! And I thought I'd never love again!! It's everything I could have asked for...so understanding, intuitive and complete. The adjustment hasn't been 100% smooth (there's the issue of the keypad) but it's better than I could have asked. I am so happy.

I've been busy downloading my applications (first up: Facebook, Shazam, Urbanspoon) and getting my iTunes updated. I've taken pictures, set weather profiles for cities I've never been to, reset my settings a gillion times and am just having a blast getting to know it better.

iPhone, I LOVE you!!!!

Goodbye, Old Friend...

2008-12-09T13:06:00.002-06:00

When you first entered my life I thought "how did I ever live without you?" We started out with such chemistry it was unbelievable. I began to think about you more and more. Then we would meet up at the trail for training runs and I was so grateful to have you on those long, hot and difficult runs. Eventually we started traveling together. It was blissful, fun and exciting. Even going out for mundane errands, you kept me grounded and calm.

Eventually, like most things...we began to drift apart. While I realized what was happening, I didn't want to admit it. I liked knowing you were always there, always ready to keep me steady - even if we had become but a mere convenience to each other.

I am forever going to miss you and what we once had.

Life Unfolded...

2008-12-08T22:00:00.005-06:00

Sometimes you run yourself into a brick wall...fall down...rub your head and say, "what the hell?" And not as in "what the hell just happened" but more like "what the hell was I doing running full speed toward this wall and not doing anything to stop?"

So last week I hit the wall. I stumbled. And now I'm trying to figure out how to NOT run toward the wall again.

I started by looking back. A long way back. And it seems that I've been running into walls for a long time. Not exactly the kind of "hard-headed" that's looked at as favorable. It's more like the kind that keeps you from dealing with the demons that are lurking around your noggin'...the kind that keeps you in denial. But this time I inadvertently hurt someone else in the process...I did let someone down and have been doing it longer than I realized.

I came to this discovery of running into walls when I decided that I needed to do some cleansing and purging. I needed to feel like I was making progress at something. So I started cleaning out boxes. I will be moving soon and figured this would be very therapeutic as well as productive.

I got a little more than I bargained for!

My project uncovered several old journals dating back a good fifteen years. WOW! I couldn't help but to pause and read a few entries. A few turned into several, which turned into many and in the process brought a lot of those old demons out into the open. There they were, blocking my road to happiness and success - forming a gauntlet leading right to those walls I have forever been running into. I have never been able to push past them...much like my Ironman races, I try and I plan and I work real hard, but when push comes to shove - I fail.

The power of positive thinking has not exactly found its way into my life. Maybe I'm just such a late-bloomer that I just haven't gotten there yet. "Late-bloomer", that's a nice way of saying, "I just have never quite gotten my shit together". Anyhow, it can be true...I've never done anything early except get married...and we all know how well that turned out.

Is this too much rambling information?? Perhaps. But why should I hide behind it any longer. I screw up. I make mistakes. I battle self-doubt, need for acceptance by peers and family, fear of disappointing and rejection, painful feet from walking on egg shells and fears of success as failure is, unfortunately, far more familiar. I have hidden behind these things my whole life, letting them always get the best of me while trying so hard to put a happy and well-groomed face forward.

Am I unfolding my life in public to the possibility of judgment and criticism? Yes, I am.Why? Why now? Because I have to believe that I am not the only one who struggles with these or similar demons and I can't keep them looming overhead any longer. They must be banished. I have to free myself from my past.

*************************************************************************************

p.s. I did clean out a bunch of crap and do feel a little better already...

Back to reality...is it reality??

2008-11-30T10:10:00.004-06:00

Back from a year of continuous training. Well almost a year. I began swimming with earnest in December of last year and then got back on my bike in January after a six month hiatus (with the exception of the Longhorn half '07 and two training rides preceding the race) followed by running from which I had suffered months of horrid shin splints.

During this intense year, I completed two half iron distance races and two full ironman races. I PR'd them all. I am happy with the results, save one. Oh, and don't tell me "you PR'd, you should be happy" or "you still did sub-13"...I've already heard that from everyone, including myself and you're not going to change my mind. Not yet, anyway.

Anyhow.

Now I'm in my "off-season" and back in the "real world". But it seems to me the line between the real world and training world have been blurred. I've been in training mode so long that it has become my real world and the real world is so far removed that re-entering it feels unreal.
Sleeping in, going out, exercising without a purpose all feels so incredibly bizarre. I feel listless and a bit out of sync.

Yesterday I went for a run. I know I'm still recovering and shouldn't run at all, but it was a crisp, overcast morning just teasing and taunting me to come and play. I only ran for 25 minutes with no goal in mind - awkward. Then I went to breakfast. Then to yoga. Then for coffee. Then to watch friends run the Beer Mile. Then to dinner. Then to a friend's. Then downtown to meet Ed1 and Ed2. Home at midnight.

Seriously, is this what I used to do all the time? How?

I must confess, there is something kind of nice about not being on a schedule but I don't think I can do this for long. I need the structure. I need the discipline. I guess the only thing that eases my concern for having all this free time is that it won't last. I want to get back to training as soon as possible but I know that I need this break for my mental health more than anything. So in the meantime, I have a finite amount of free time which I am scheduling with various projects that I know won't get done one training returns to full stride.

So while I sit here pondering my existence I will enjoy my coffee and not a recovery drink, I will wear jeans (which I now fit into b/c of training) and not workout garb and I will fight every urge to put my hair into a ponytail...at least for now.

I realize that this post may seem like a rambling hodge-podge of words and thoughts...but it is off-season and I'm giving my brain a break too!

Cheesy Recovery...

2008-11-28T21:48:00.003-06:00

Recovery: consuming wine and cheese while sitting outdoors catching up on blogging (at least trying to).

It's been such a busy week with Ironman, post-Ironman, traveling, Thanksgiving and work all in a matter of days. I've wanted to post my race report and just throw out random thoughts but it seems like I just haven't been able to get around to it!

Much like Ironman, I am resorting to plan C - getting up reasonably early tomorrow for coffee and writing my race report!

'Til then...good night and I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

Twas the night before...

2008-11-22T20:42:00.002-06:00

Ironman and all through my brain, not an emotion unturned, not confidence nor doubt.

Well, I am confident of some things - I will swim 2.4 miles. I will bike 112 miles. I will run 26.2 miles. I will execute my plan to best of my abilities. I will remember to have fun. I will remember to eat on the bike. I will remember that I've had really hard training months and that this should go pretty well. I doubt that I will break any land-speed records. I doubt that unless something totally kooky happens, there is anything that will keep me from finishing! So, I guess there's no reason now to worry.

We'll find out tomorrow.

***************************************************************************************

Today was a pretty good day, albeit busier than yesterday. Got up early to swim, which went waaaaay better than yesterday's swim. It's still around 63 degrees (brrrr) but still not as cold as CDA was, so it'll be ok. Had some coffee. Walked around a bit. Met Jess and Charles for some Starbuck's. Ran into the T3 crew on the way to Transition. Chatted. Turned in my bike and transition bags. Met Michelle and Michael. Went to lunch (waited 45 minutes - I started to sprout fangs and claws - got a free lunch). Took a nap. Double-checked my stuff for the morning. Picked Sandra and Brian up from the airport. Had a glass of wine. Ate some dinner. Watched football. Wearing my compression socks. Getting ready to climb into bed for 4:00 a.m. wake up call.

Deep breath...

Perspective...

2008-11-16T13:09:00.000-06:00

You know how sometimes you get caught up in the events in your life and then something happens that reminds you that most of us are super lucky.

Saturday afternoon, after my last bike ride, I had the pleasure of meeting up with some of my girlfriends for lunch. Six women laughing, eating, drinking wine and enjoying the day. Seems normal. Normal except for the fact that the one with the brightest smile and the biggest blue eyes you've ever seen is fighting an uphill battle with breast cancer. Second time around. So far, the chemo is working. We had a three hour lunch then took her shopping - a little gift from us to her for her courage and selflessness through all of this. Like most moms, she has little time for shopping (for herself) between caring for her son, husband and trying to defeat cancer.

Spending time talking with her about life now really hit home. No matter what I might feel is tumultuous in my life, it in no way is comparable to what she has endured and continues to endure. She speaks of medicines and treatments like most of us talk about training schedules and nutritional supplements. Where we talk of losing toenails to running, she talks of losing toenails to chemo.

And we think Ironman is hard?

Yes, Ironman is difficult and challenging and so is cancer. Next week, as I enter the chilly waters of Tempe Town Lake, I will have a new perspective and remember her. I will remember what she and so many others are enduring and I will use their strength to help me through my day. I will remember how blessed I am to have my health, family and friends. And I will remember to have FUN!!!

Historic???

2008-11-04T22:32:00.002-06:00

Everyone has been saying tonight that it has been an historic election...aren't they all historic?

The 44th President of the United States of America...

2008-11-04T22:11:00.002-06:00

Godspeed, President Obama

We have elected the next President of the United States of America.

My Own Skirt Chaser...

2008-11-02T15:34:00.004-06:00

Finally starting to feel like I'm back in the land of the living. Slept well. Eating well. Less snotty (only in the literal sense).

I was supposed to ride today but Coach told me I could substitute that for an easy run instead, in order to make sure that I recover from my cold.

My plan was to get in a run before joining some friends for the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure. For some reason I decided to run in my TYR running skirt, something I've never done before...you know, running in a skirt just never appealed to me. I've always just worn them as after race gear or just running around.

So off I go...in my skirt.

I felt strong from the start, I guess since I haven't really done anything all week. I wasn't running far so I just let my legs go, didn't have my Garmin on and didn't bother to start my watch timer. I could feel my skirt flip-flip-flip as I ran...it reminded me of my childhood (although I didn't wear many skirts then, either) running around free and without purpose. I kept running. Then I passed a guy...then another guy who then used me to pace him for about half a mile before he decided to take the lead. I let him go (I was having fun, remember?) and continued on my way. Then I passed another guy, a couple of girls, another guy...all the time trying to make sure no one tried to hook onto me...why? Just because. There was no timer, no finish line, no reason other than my own little mind games trying to get into the act. I've never participated in the Skirt Chaser 5k but in my own mind, that's what I was doing...running in my own little skirt chaser race. Who wants to get passed by a skirt? I don't like getting passed by skirts!! In the end, I had a great run and enjoyed every minute of it.

It's silly, I know. But I was having fun playing in my little mind games.

I did feel a little weird cutting loose some snot rockets while wearing a skirt though!!!

Turning the corner...

2008-10-30T20:25:00.002-05:00

Ok, I think I'm turning the corner on whatever this little bug is that's kept me from training this week. I stayed home and was in bed ALL DAY until around 4:00 p.m. when I decided that I needed to get up...I thought I felt a bed sore coming on.

I stripped my bed and myself - nothing better than fresh sheets and a shower to feel better. I even flipped my mattress. With a renewed sense of optimism, I headed out to pick up my bike from the training center for this weekends rides (fingers crossed). On the way, I decided to do my civic duty and stopped at the local early voting polling location and cast my ballot. Ah, that's done.

After a quick stop at the store, it was back home for me. It's really a little strange to be home - not training - could get used to it, but then I'm sure my waistline would make a beeline to expansion.

I digress...

Anyhow, I'm back in bed again but feeling better than I did last night and looking forward to returning to the land of the living!

pppbbbttttt...

2008-10-29T21:29:00.003-05:00

Coughing, sneezing, ears popping and eyes watering like faucets...that's me today. Just 24 days out from my event and I have "this" going on. Frustrating.

I am trying to keep smart about this even though my head is swimming in worry and grumpiness. It's easy when it's happening to someone else, "oh, just get plenty of rest and fluids you'll be over it before ya know it!" Riiiiiight! I know because I've said it to friends before and now it's my turn to listen to my own advice...although, I can't hear because my ears are stopped up!!

Always trying to please...

2008-10-29T09:17:00.004-05:00

When do we ever stop trying to please our parents? I'll tell you when...never. It seems that despite any differences we may have with our parents or how good or bad our relationships with them are, we continue to try to please them. Sometimes it's out of wanting to earn their praise, sometimes just to prove them wrong. Either way, their assessment of our successes and failures resonates with us throughout our adulthood. Obviously, this is a general opinion but I think that this holds true for a majority of people.

Case in point:

I was having dinner with my dad the other night and we were talking about training and racing (the one thing we know we can both talk about without ending up in a 'discussion'). For anyone on the planet who does not yet know, my dad's a runner (because I tell everyone). Anyhow, I was talking about my run on Sunday and how I was finally starting to believe that I am actually faster than I've let myself believe all this time.

Anyhow, my dad proceeds to tell me essentially, that I'm not training hard enough...not pushing myself and not believing in myself as much as I should if I really want to improve my times. I'm not a professional athlete or even an elite age grouper...but he's my dad and he thinks I can be better, faster, stronger.

Fortunately for me, I understand where my dad was coming from and I know that he is just trying to help me be the best I can be in my chosen sport. I know that sometimes I don't push myself as hard as I should and yes, sometimes I just feel lazy. But what I realized is that after that conversation, I found myself thinking of what changes I should make for next season. I was trying to find a way to make my dad happy.

Now don't get me wrong, my dad is proud of me (at least that's what he says) and we've come a long way in our father/daughter relationship. He's very supportive and always happy with my results...even if he tells me I could've gone faster if I'd pushed just a little harder :) I think he probably just believes in me more than I believe in myself.

I still find myself wanting to please the parentals...even as the calendar inches toward thirty-seven...

Dad and me at the 2008 Longhorn 70.3

Just a few...

2008-10-26T17:46:00.004-05:00

Ok, here are a few pics (as promised) from various events:

My babies, Sophie and Bella

Nicole and Tim DeBoom and Me at Interbike...maybe some of their speed will rub off on me!!

The unveiling of the Cervelo P4 at Interbike

So there are a few random pics, I'll try to be more consistent...hope ya'll are having a great weekend!!

Oh, quick training update: LAST LONG RIDE YESTERDAY!!! Woo Hoo!! And I had an awesome 16 mile run this morning!!!

One month from today and it's all in the books!!

New Pics...

2008-10-24T13:34:00.003-05:00

I realize that I haven't posted any new pics in a looong time. I will make that a project and a priority for this weekend.

I have soooo many pics. From Boston (yes, that was in APRIL) to puppies to Interbike, to Longhorn.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll even take some new ones tonight!!!

Can we just do it already???

2008-10-24T13:04:00.003-05:00

No, I don't mean do that (out of the gutter, please). I'm talking about this race. Enough already! I'm tired of being tired and I want to get on with it so I can take a break.

This morning I slept in...yep, that's right! I slept for almost 9 hours straight!! I didn't open my eyes until 7:00 a.m.! Got up, made some coffee, had a little breakfast, played with my puppies and casually started the grooming process for work.

Is this what normal people do? It seemed strangely familiar to me, but only as a distant memory...almost like a dream.

I had no bag to pack, no towels to hang in my car, no concoction of recovery drink waiting for me to consume...did I forget to do something that was on my calendar?

Nope.

Later I'll meet my friends for a drink...on a Friday...like a normal person.

Then back to reality...29 days and counting.

Can't wait to join my friends in the "off-season"!!!

30 Days and Counting...

2008-10-23T21:29:00.004-05:00

Today marks the start of the 30 day countdown. This is my second IM countdown this year and it feels totally different. The anxiety hasn't risen yet and I'm not sure if it's because I'm calm, cool and collected or if I'm just too damn tired at this point to feel anything.

Sure I'm excited when I really sit down and think about it and I do get a few butterflies, but it's very manageable...so far. I'm sure that will change as we get closer to race day. What's amazing to me is how different I have felt before each race.

The First: too naive to know better
The Second: too anxious to prove I can do better
The Third: too tired but more confident in my fitness

One thing I have noticed though, is that I have begun to obsess over it in my head. It's all I can think about. Will I like my new wetsuit? Will I ever get my new goggles adjusted just right? Will I manage my nutrition like I need to? Will I hold on to my run? Will I be able to stay in my game even if things start to go crazy?

Some of these things I have no control over other than how I deal with them; others are all under my control...this is up to me. I guess that's one reason why I like Ironman so much...you really do learn so much about what you're made of and who you are...and who you want to become. I could go on and on on my philosophy regarding Ironman, but I will spare you...for now.

The Run...

2008-10-22T21:49:00.003-05:00

After a decent transition I headed out on the run. I didn't have any nutrition with me, counting on the mercy of the race course. Would that be my demise??

I was tired and it was starting to get pretty toasty out there, but the legs felt steady and solid. We (me and my legs) took off at a nice pace and I made note to take in plenty of water and ice. The first few miles were tough but mostly because once you get out to the Exposition Center it's really hot and hilly. But the most awesome-est thing out there was seeing my dad and sister, Katy, (who came out on her birthday)...like seeing an oasis in the desert! Ice and water = in and on me. As I was coming up on mile 4 I felt a little spring in my step because I knew I'd be coming up on the T3 tent and since this was the first time to race in town with my team, I wanted to come by looking strong. Funny thing was, I actually did feel pretty strong.

As I passed the tent, I saw the bundle of blue and heard the cheers and saw the smiles of my team - so cool! I remember seeing Chrissie; I don't remember what she said, but whatever it was was enough to keep me going.

After I left the comforts of my peeps I headed into the woods to face Quadzilla. I attacked her with a steady pace that I knew she wouldn't kill. My quads were screaming but I wasn't going to let her win. It really helped that Logan was at the top calling out names and keeping people motivated. That and I was just really happy that I wasn't still out on the bike course like so many other people.

Just one more lap.

The second lap was much like the first. I kept telling myself that if I stayed steady, I would PR. I tucked that into the back of my head and kept running. Heading back out to the "dessert" again, my oasis had grown...my mom, sister Becca, her boyfriend and mom's husband had shown up as well!! All the more reason to keep at it!

I was waiting for the wall to rise up in front of me as I neared the T3 tent again. I hadn't had a race yet where the wall hadn't jumped up at me. I was ready to battle the mental demons, but they weren't anywhere to be found. I saw my peeps again and this time I saw Maurice and out of the corner of my eye I saw him point to the side of his head - I knew I had to keep my head in the race and I'd be good.

Heading back to Quadzilla I still felt strong (except the darn shin splint - I decided not to concern myself with them at this point) and managed to run her down again...grrrrr!!! Logan said something to me but I was in my zone and couldn't make out the words. I knew I had less than 2 miles left and I was still running...I hadn't stopped!!! I slowed at a few aid stations to grab endurolytes, etc. but I didn't walk. This was great!!

The last two miles were good for me as I was able to pass quite a few people (including a few team mates) some of who had resorted to walking...cramps are evil!! The more I was able to pass people, the stronger I felt.

Finally, I came up the last hill and could hear Adam's voice bringing people home and as I cleared the last turn I found myself in the finishing chute...ahhhh!!!

5:45:08

My legs were done and I didn't get in my additional 5 mile run...I did feel a little guilty about that. I'll get over it.

Highlights:
*Successfully completing my heaviest training weekend ever
*Getting into my "zone" and not letting the demons into my head
*Pushing myself through the pain and just focusing on the goal
*Having my family come out to watch
*Seeing my Dad as I came down the finishing chute
*Having my coaches and friends out on the course
*Setting an 11 minute PR on a difficult course the day after riding six hours
*Overcoming obstacles - i.e. the choking wetsuit

Well, that's it...that's my Ironman Longhorn 70.3 official race report!!!

Finally!!

The Bike...

2008-10-22T21:14:00.004-05:00

I came out of the water feeling pretty good and ready to ride. I was whipping through transition (I had a great spot just next to the bike out) and as I got on my bike I realized my chain dropped...arrgghh!! I had to get off, pull the chain, blah, blah, blah. Ok, now I was ready to get on the bike.

Armed with only my watch (no Garmin, no computer) I started out pretty strong and fueled by adrenaline. Not to long after I started my legs began to feel heavy and I began to wonder if that long ride yesterday was such a good idea. But I decided I was going to trust my coaches and my training and keep pushing; I was still holding a strong pace. Chrissie told me to give it 20-25 miles and my legs would start to feel better. Trust. The weather was nice, so nice that I almost forgot to keep up with my nutrition - yikes! I began to focus on my caloric intake because I knew it would get hot later and I didn't want to fall behind.

My legs began to loosen up and holding the pace began to feel easier - she was right, here I was right at 25 miles!! The winds were strong and I was still passing people...really?? Last year in Arizona the winds crushed me - physically and mentally - I may not like riding in it, but I'm learning to manage it better. Every time I do these races I learn so much.

Around mile 40 I realized that I still felt strong, hadn't had any negative thoughts and my legs didn't feel nearly as tired as I thought they would...or should. Cool. As I started making my way back to the park I remembered that I had those two nasty hills (affectionately named "Bitch" and "Bastard" by my friend Carrie) and then I would be on to the run.

Hills managed...

2:56

Interrupting Your Regularly Scheduled Race Report..

2008-10-20T22:07:00.002-05:00

We will return to your regularly scheduled race report after these announcements:

I am ready to do this Ironman...I am ready for a break in the training...Let's do this!!

Oh, and I ordered a new wetsuit this afternoon...no choking in Arizona!

Now back to your regularly scheduled program...

The Swim...

2008-10-20T06:47:00.003-05:00

I line up near the front with my newfound swim confidence and a couple of team mates and get adjusted to the water. Gun goes off, start my watch and begin my swim. Things start off much as expected; a lot of positioning and a lot of me getting passed by some of the faster swimmers. As I am getting through the fray of the start, something begins to not feel right. I can't breathe. What's going on?

My wetsuit is attacking me.

The neck of my suit has creeped up and is pressing on my throat. So much so that it begins to consume my thoughts and I start to panic. I swim off to the side and call over one of the kayaks and ask the girl if she'll unzip my suit a bit. She did, I caught my breath again and started swimming. But just as soon as I start to get back into it, it begins again. WTF????? Why is this happening? Then my mind starts going NUTS!! OMG, I'm not going to finish. I can't breathe. I'm can't do this. But I've done two IM's, why is this happening? I'm not going to be able to do IM AZ next month. All these negative thoughts started to consume my every thought. Finally, some sense came about me and I knew I HAD to finish: my family and team mates were expecting it. I was expecting it.

So what I did next was out of pure determination to finish. I called over a guy and girl on a jet ski and told the guy, "I gotta get out of this suit". He didn't bat an eye, just said, "Ok". Somehow, I managed to get my suit unzipped and down over my hips all while still being in the water. Then I grabbed onto the side of the jet ski and flung my legs up and over the side and the guy took my suit and yanked it off. I said thanks and went about swimming again.

FREEDOM!! Freedom from the strangling suit. I had never felt better in the water than I did at that moment. A renewed sense of confidence got me swimming strong again. My mind settled back into a positive state and the rest of the swim was uneventful.

(turns out my suit has become a bit big for me, I guess losing 14 pounds will do that!)

On to the BIKE!!

Longhorn Triathlon

2008-10-09T15:00:00.005-05:00

I'm sitting here at my computer and not sure really where to start...I'm SOOOOO behind!!

I'll start with my race report from the Longhorn 70.3 Triathlon:

I woke up rather groggy on Sunday morning, still tired after a 6+ hour bike ride the day before. I felt like an experimental pawn..."how much training can she do in one weekend??" I poured a cup of coffee as my puppies looked at me without an ounce of enthusiasm. Slowly, I started to eat my breakfast as I got dressed. I wiggled into my T3 tri top and zipped up my sweater. It did feel good to have to wear a sweater, finally. I then headed out.

I got there too early but did that intentionally because I knew that parking would be atrocious, nothing to do about it but avoid any additional stress. When I got to transition, first things first - port 0 john! Then the usual - body marking (thanks, Vic) then in to set up my stuff. I finally remembered to bring a headlight (flashlights leave you one-handed) and it worked like a charm because I was racked at the end and there was really no lighting over there. I quickly set up my things then got out as fast as I could. I needed to get away from the "masses". I was tired and a little grumpy, so I didn't want to come off as unfriendly to anyone. I made my way to the T3 tent and laid my head on my wetsuit. Jess showed up shortly thereafter and seemed to share my mood.

Then our coaches arrived and then little by little everyone started to show up. The mood was cheerful and chipper - a sign of a bunch of fresh and tapered athletes - I was so not in the mood. I wanted to be tapered, oh well. I just kept myself under cover until it was time for one last port o john run and a final check of my bike and gear.

I slipped into my wetsuit (which has become a little big since I got it some pounds ago) and it just didn't feel right. Never mind though, I'd worn it to races before. Finally it was time to line up and I still hadn't found my motivation. Would it come as I started the swim?

to be continued...

Teaser...

2008-10-09T14:59:00.001-05:00

Ok, so a couple of lame posts ago I mentioned that I was "back" but haven't written anything really since then...sorry!

Let's try again...

Interbike

2008-09-23T21:46:00.000-05:00

I'm on the shuttle heading to the hotel. I've been wanting to go to Interbike for years and now I'm finally going to experience it personally. Rock on!

I know this isn't in the training program, but I figure, I gotta live a little!!

I always enjoy coming back to Vegas...you just never know what's going to come your way...

Stay tuned!

I'm BAAAAAACK!!!!!

2008-09-23T17:48:00.001-05:00

Back on the blog, folks!! Feels good to be back...although I'm actually gone!

It's been a crazy few weeks! I'll try to catch everyone up on my going ons and what-nots...

Must be doin' somethin' right...

2008-08-29T15:16:00.002-05:00

I normally do my long runs on Sunday mornings, fresh and rested after my long Saturday rides. This week, because I'll be working the Austin Tri all weekend, my coach and I discussed and decided I would do my long run on Thursday evening.

After a week's worth of workouts and a long day at work, I headed out for a 20 mile run at 5:30 p.m. I started off slowly trying to get in a good, long warm up on a hot and humid afternoon. I kept my heart rate in check during the first loop and never felt over-exerted. Once on the second loop things started to fall apart. I just began to feel tired. Nothing in particular hurt, I just couldn't get my legs to turn over and I began to feel discouraged. I had such a good 20 miler two weeks ago, I couldn't understand.

At about mile 11 or so, my friend, Fred, ran into me and could see I was having a really hard time. I was near tears at this point, wondering why...why this time? why now? But he hung with me and eventually we ran into our friend, Michelle, who also joined us.

They stayed with me the rest of the run and although I only finished with 17.5 miles, I felt like I'd run a marathon and couldn't have done it without them!

I must be doing something right to have such good luck having them come along when they did!!

Thanks!!

An attempt at girliness...

2008-08-23T14:24:00.002-05:00

This week I got tired of being stinky, sweat-crusted and just down right gross. When I looked down at realized that my two dogs were more "girl-y" than I, I decided to take matters into my own hands...literally.

Thursday I decided to go and have a manicure.

Once upon a time, in a life long, long ago, I used to be quite a "girl"...weekly manicures, haircuts every 6-8 weeks and monthly pedicures. Now I find myself struggling to get my monthly color treatments and my haircuts are more like 6-8 months!! Manicures and pedicures are a seldom seen treat. But this week would be different. I wanted to feel like a girl again. So not only did I get a manicure, I had my nails painted "Too Hot to Handle" red. Then I went and had my eyebrows waxed.

Now I'm considering laser hair removal...watch out, my girl-y side is making a comeback!!!

Doping and Air Pistol...really??

2008-08-15T22:47:00.001-05:00

So did you hear about the Olympic athlete who tested positive for a banned substance...in AIR PISTOL??? Really...here's more:

Doping-N.Korean medallist fails dope test-IOC

Aug 15, 6:35 am EDT

(Updates with Vietnam Olympic team chief quotes 9-11)

By Karolos Grohmann

BEIJING, Aug 15 (Reuters) - North Korean shooting double medallist Kim Jong-su has tested positive for a banned substance, been excluded from the Beijing Olympic Games and stripped of his medals, the International Olympic Committee said on Friday.

Kim won silver in the men’s 50m pistol and a bronze in the men’s 10m air pistol shooting.

Tan Zongliang of China now takes silver in the 50m, with Vladimir Isakov of Russia taking the bronze. In the 10m, Jason Turner of the United States inherits Kim’s bronze.

Kim tested positive for beta-blocker propranolol, IOC spokeswoman Giselle Davies said. Beta-blockers are misused to decrease the heart rate and stop possible trembling.

IOC Medical Commission chairman Arne Ljungqvist said Kim’s positive test showed it was an intentional act due to the substance’s ability to provide to the user precision characteristics necessary for sports like archery and shooting.

“I could not interpret that other than a deliberate intake,” Ljungqvist told reporters.

A female Vietnamese artistic gymnast, who finished out of the medals, also tested positive for a banned substance and has been excluded from the Games, the IOC said.

Thi Ngan Thuong Do tested positive for furosemide, a diuretic which can be used as a masking agent for other drugs.

State-run Sports and Culture newspaper quoted Hoang Vinh Giang, head of Vietnam’s Olympic team, as saying the 19-year-old athlete used a diuretic at her last training because she wanted to be slimmer, without checking with doctors of the team.

“It is regretful for Ngan Thuong because she is an athlete trained in China since her childhood and she has seized many achievements for Vietnam’s gymnastics,” the newspaper quoted Giang as saying.

“We do not know why Thuong has such a thought to have a slimmer body so she made that mistake,” he said.

Ljungqvist said the gymnast could be a victim of bad information as the drug was also used by women for pre-menstrual tension.

“My interpretation is that it is a problem resulting from poor information of the athlete, not enough knowledge what to take,” Ljungqvist said.

Davies said both athletes would now be referred to their federations for any possible further sanctions.

Why is it sooo hot??

2008-08-13T22:06:00.003-05:00

I know it's summer...I know it's Texas...but, I also know you've thought the same thing as the summer has worn on...why is it sooo hot?? I am just exhausted from all the heat and so tired of just being sweaty and smelly all the time!

It feels like I can't shower enough these days!! I know working out a couple of times a day has something to do with it, but even so...I just long for the day to come where I can step outside and not immediately start sweating.

And if you've ever seen me sweat, you'd know what I mean!!!

Oh, that reminds me...I need to put another towel in my bag.

The Tech-Challenged Gadget Girl...

2008-07-31T13:03:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I love gadgets. Anything that tells me how fast/slow, far/short, etc. I am going at any given training moment. I have a Garmin 305, a Polar 625 and am contemplating upgrading! I download this information to my computer and have nice, pretty charts and graphs to show for it. I can compute just about anything. I operate my Blackberry like Norman Stadler on a bike - just damn fast. I consider myself to be fairly wired...like most of us.

But I have a confession to make. Until today, I could not recall the lap splits on my very basic Ironman Timex watch. I have been operating by memorizing (kind of) all my swim splits and writing them down before I could forget (most of) them.

I finally made myself sit down and figure it out...now I feel like an UBER-DORK for not figuring this out MONTHS ago!!!

Blog Names v. Dancer Names...

2008-07-29T22:53:00.002-05:00

I am now meeting triathlete people by their blog name. Yep. What's her real name? Who knows, but I can tell you her blog name and the blog name of the friend who introduced us. To her I am not simply "Michelle"...I am "T3 Michelle" because that's how "Tri To Be Funny" has me listed on her blog.

It's kind of like going to a strip club and meeting "Crystal" and "Rose" and "Jasmine" (no offense to anyone whose real name is listed above)...you know those aren't their real names, yet that's how you know them...

One real difference is that maybe you don't really care to know the dancer's real names...I hope to someday learn the real names of my triathlete blogging mates.

Let's see some similarities between dancers (of the "pole" variety) and triathlete bloggers (female):

dancers: (when wearing clothes) wear spandex, lycra and are scantily clad
tri bloggers: (usually wearing some clothes) wear spandex, lycra and are scantily clad

dancers: dance to music
tri bloggers: spin to music

dancers: are socially engaging
tri bloggers: are socially engaging

Any other similarities??? Feel free to contribute any thoughts, ideas, whatnots...

Ok, not my best post...but it's late, I'm tired, give me a break!!

Grumpy Butt

2008-07-28T12:53:00.003-05:00

That's me right now. Grumpy and for no apparent reason I can see, other than I'm at work and would really rather be anywhere else right now. Even a trip to the dentist sounds like fun...bring on the drill and tooth sanding machine-thing.

I got a good night's sleep, played with my puppies this morning and in general, had a good weekend. I guess that's why I'm grumpy...I'd rather still be doing any of those things. I had a really good ride on Saturday and even though I had a bad ride on Sunday, I had a really good run...and in between I had a lot of fun with a lot of friends.

Hi Ho...Hi Ho...it's back to work I go...hmph...

Peek-a-boo

2008-07-23T12:17:00.004-05:00

So keeping with the theme of "public display of a personal faux pas", let me add my own moment of brilliance...

I forgot my bra.

Yep, thought I packed it with all my other crap and when I went to shower it was no where to be found. I might have had time to go back by the house and solve my little dilemma, but nooooo...I had to sit and chat with the girls for half an hour. Of course, had I known I was bra-less I would not have dilly dallied...but that's neither here nor there at this point. And quite frankly, I was really enjoying my early morning girl talk with Amy and Val.

Now you could say that this is the one time where it's a blessing to be "small chested" because you don't have to worry about bouncing around. On the flip side though, if you are small, you usually rely on the ol' padding to give you a little more umph...

And to top if off, today it's FREEZING in my office!!! So you know what that means...yep, headlights are on.

Why all the hair??

2008-07-22T22:15:00.003-05:00

Before I even start I will say that I'm sure I've been guilty of this at some time or another, but here I go anyway...

What's the deal with the armpit hair?? I know every once in a while you forget to pack a razor or something bizarre happens. But what I'm noticing is that more and more often women are coming to workouts with less than fresh pits. A little stubble is acceptable...we all get busy, lazy, in a hurry, whatever. But what I'm talking about is hair that's seriously 2+ days long. And for those of us who are blessed with beautiful, dark hair...WATCH OUT!! That stuff grows like weeds!!

Maybe we can come up with a sign to let our ladies know they need a little shave action??

So ladies, you're all beautiful but please, please show the pits a little love!!

(p.s. I've taken to keeping a cheap, single blade razor in my glove compartment...just in case)

Is it really Friday???

2008-07-18T22:30:00.002-05:00

This has been without a doubt one of the looooongest weeks.

So much has happened/not happened/been said/done/etc. The days seemed to have blended together and I can't remember what I did without having to look at my calendar.

There was recovery from the Couples Tri and T3 post-race party...then there was the Splash n' Dash...then the Couples Volunteer party...then Key Bar catching up with non-tri friends...then wrapping it all up with a delightfully relaxing evening at the mall with Esther. Nothing like shopping, food and a bottle of wine to end the week!

Oh, and don't forget there was actual training splattered throughout the week. I have to say though, that I didn't feel my best. My workouts felt sluggish, at best. The Couples race really took it's toll on me and I didn't quite ever recover from it. I think because we did S-n'-D and the party in the same week, I just couldn't get back into my groove. I even MISSED SWIM PRACTICE on Thursday...and I NEVER miss swim. I was just soooo damn tired.

All in all though, I did manage 3 swims, 1 spin, 1.5 runs and 1 core...tomorrow I'll shoot for 10 mi but be happy with 7 mi, as I haven't had a long run since CDA...wish me luck!!!

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On a somber note, we (T3) are changing our long ride to Sunday so that we can participate in the memorial ride for a fallen cyclist...Michael Argall. I never knew Michael, although I had seen him around and his loss is felt by the entire community. We will ride in his memory.

Too much sadness and death has brush closely by my side and I can't help but be a little fearful as to where it may strike next. I know I cannot dwell on it, but I still can't help but think of it from time to time.

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On a much more pleasant note, several teammates and Coach Chrissie will be taking over wine country for the 70.3 Vineman and our very own Amanda will be tearing it up at IM Lake Placid along with some local pros...GOOD LUCK TO ALL!!!

Saying a prayer...

2008-07-15T22:51:00.002-05:00

I have a friend, M, who I used to work with but lost regular touch with after the layoffs and life's ebbs and flows. We were all about the same age and used to hang out and drink wine and just have fun. We kept up with each other over time through another friend. She and her husband had a baby and so then we would see each other at the occasional party...you know how that goes.

After the baby was born she was diagnosed with breast cancer and went through hell to fight it. I saw her a few months ago and she was radiant and even more amazing than I ever remembered her. With what she and her family went through, it's no wonder!

The joy fell silent as we have now learned that the cancer has returned. Now there are more tests and more waiting. While the prognosis isn't good, there is a little hope...sometimes that's enough. While I'm trying to make sense of it, even though I know it's impossible, I can't help but want to scream, "It's not fair!!" Knowing all too well that life isn't fair.

I've never been a religious person but over time I find myself becoming more spiritual...and when things like this happen, I can't help but think that maybe a little prayer certainly can't hurt.

So to my friend and her family, I pray that they remain strong during this terribly difficult time. I pray that she is able to withstand whatever treatment she will endure in her fight against the disease. I pray that her little boy grows up with his mother and not just her memory.

Makes you think of your own mortality just a bit, doesn't it?

The Couples Triathlon

2008-07-10T22:37:00.003-05:00

So this weekend is the third event in the Texas Tri Series and the second one of the season for me to do volunteer coordinating. I'm sooo excited!!

I already had the "panic" dream, you know the one - you bolt straight up out of bed in a cold sweat and say, "SHIT! I don't have enough volunteers!" That was on Sunday. The week leading up to the event is usually very hectic and I seem to always have a little bit of a sick feeling in my stomach and constantly worried. There is a rush of emails to send and respond to and this time seemed especially difficult because I just got back from Coeur d'Alene and that really seemed to throw me off track. This panic seems to last up until about an hour or so into the event. It's not until then that I feel like I can relax a bit. When I can look out and see people having fun on the course, volunteers smiling and spectators cheering...that's when I relax!!

The great thing about Austin is that it has a strong triathlon community and people are generally eager to help, which makes my job easier. I also think people are eager to help because the guys at Jack and Adam's are so awesome! They really care about what they do and the people they help and you can feel it.

Seriously, if I could do this for a living I'd be ALL OVER IT!!

What is that people say? "Follow your heart and the rest will follow"...something like that. This is where my heart leads me and I love everything about this sport - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The Surrogate Boyfriend...

2008-07-10T22:35:00.001-05:00

That's what you get called when you know how to change a bike flat or can do other minimal bike maintenance tasks and help your female friends with those things.

So that's been my problem!!

Thanks, Tom!

Marrying the new man in my life...

2008-07-08T23:03:00.002-05:00

Yes, I'm going down that road again. I feel pretty confident that this man will be around whenever I need him and even when times get hard, he will be supportive and challenging at the same time. He will make me discover things about myself that I never knew I could do. I will be angry with him some times and at other times, I won't be able to get enough of him. And even if we decide to separate for some crazy reason, he will always be a part of me...and I will always be a part of him.

I am marrying IRONMAN.

That's right folks. I am officially committed to Ironman for the next year.

I just registered for Ironman Coeur d'Alene, 2009.

Olympic Trials and the Tavern Burger..

2008-06-29T19:13:00.002-05:00

Yep, I'm sitting at the Tavern gulping down a burger and fries while watching the Olympic trials track and swimming competition...and feeling like quite the unworthy-to-be-watching fatty.

Now, I realize that I didn't grow up swimming or running, for that matter, and I have come a long way in both; but to watch these athletes is truly amazing. We are fortunate to be able to participate in our sport at will (with the exception of going to Kona, even then you can hope for a lottery spot) but these athletes are the best in their field and only once in four years do they get a chance to qualify for the Olympics. Four years. If they miss a step, a stroke anything...it's over.

My heart goes out to 4th place.

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And from another perspective: damn, those swimmers are H-O-T!!! Michael Phelps is awesome, but that Lotche is something else!! He's the whole package...with that killer body and dimples that make you want to...

gotta go, next heat is on!!

Sitting on the floor...

2008-06-28T16:20:00.002-05:00

I'm at the airport in Denver, sitting on the floor...it's that or one of the few seats that are left next to people that look like they may not smell very good or have small children. I'll take my chances on the floor...

I'm ready to get home. I'm kinda grumpy about it, as I often am when I have crap to get back to...

No, I am grumpy.

(so Carrie, you like my tan? thx!)
ok, maybe I'm not entirely grumpy